One man and his cheese

Memories

2011-07-26T16:57:00.000-07:00

There is a time in everyones life, when the waistline gets too big and it becomes all too comfortable in that easy routine that they call life. They have "no time" for anything but to slump upon the TV of live and let it flow in. So before Thomswoon gets to obese and struggles to fit into those skinny jeans he has fled to wordpress greener

http://onemanandhischeese.wordpress.com/

They were the best of times, they were the blurst of times....

So with this final post I say goodbye, arrivederci, totsiens, adjö, güle güle, hüvasti, 작별 인사, comiat, збогум, αντίο, beannacht! Thanks for the memories....

On Your Whey....

2011-02-14T12:07:00.000-08:00

"She sends me blue valentines,
"To remind me of my cardinal sin.
"I can never wash the guilt,
"Or get these bloodstains off my hands,
"And it takes a lot of whiskey,
"To make these nightmares go away.

Tis the season to be merry, or at least mildly contrary. The lovers love, the indifferent conceal to to be indifferent and the lonely listen to good music and thank the lord that they don't have to make the dash to the vivo down the street and make an empty purchase of dead flowers. Cut down in their prime only to wilt in the mouldy vase of a dissatisfied lover. Flowers. The symbol of no more. Propped against a gravestone, thrown to the unfortunate next to be wed and the gift of man who no longer cares. Tis a meek existence....

He drinks himself into a stupor, only realising in his inebriated state what a waste he has made of his life. Tied down to a woman he is indifferent about for the sole reason of his lack of backbone. His perpetual fear of being alone. His resentment for her grows, every movement she makes is multiplied in his mind. The scratch of her nails along her supple neck sounds like 100 fingernails scrapping down a blackboard and every several seconds a nail breaks and not only does the sound send shivers down his back but the sight of the brittle polished nail shattering sends him over the edge. He jettisons out of his chair and towards her. Unable to take this torture anymore he stands above her, knuckles marbled white and red and what does he do? Nothing, just stands and takes it...

*Onemanandhischeese doesnt condone domestic violence.

But for all you romancers who are blissfully in love on this day, that celebrates the death of the martyr Mr Valentine, hope is not gone. In todays society of heavy social drinking many women might be worried that the full romance of the evening may not be met. But worry no longer ladies as Austian brewers from Brauerei Egg have come up with this....

Cheesy beer. Well not exactly, whey beer. One of the main by products of cheese making whey can pose a tricky waste product as you can just wash it down the drain as it is quite acidic. So this Austrian brewer has decided to ferment and use it in his beer. Possibly why it has a low alcohol content is while there is still some sugar in the whey, in the form of lactose, for a more alcoholic brew dextrose can be added to help the ferment. The lack of whey products on the market is peculiar, as it is claimed to have a similar probiotic content of the ridiculously expensive yakult. Why not crank it up another level distill the whey. It is said that the alcohol in Baileys comes from fermented whey, but when I got in contact with Diageo they had nothing to say on that matter but did let me know of their fabulous product range. Its like hitting your head against a wall trying to get information from any large company the paranoia is insane. Sooner or later God is gonna cut them down....

Like hitting your head against a wall, or at the least a drinks tray...

Laboratorio Artigianle

2011-02-02T11:53:00.000-08:00

"Ice cream is exquisite, what a pity it isn't illegal"

The words of Francois-Marie Arouet, who soon would be known to the common man as Voltaire. A French writer, poet and philosopher his sharp tongue would get him into trouble time and time again. Voltaire, like many other encyclopedistes during the French enlightenment would gather at the brasserie by the name of Cafe Procope. The men of fashion would spend hours guzzling down caffeine laden coffee alongside ice cream and sorbet served in the finest porcelain. But as exotic as ice cream may have been back then, it has become part of our daily life. Whole isles at the unsupermarket, the jangle of the ice cream bus, memories of fallen scoops in a windy seaside car park, ice cream is part of our life. But times they are a changing. What is your favourite flavour? Vanilla? Mint choc chip? Rum n raisin? Cookie dough? Dull. Dull. Dull. Why does the flavour have to be limited to the weather in which we consume our ice cream on the grey beach? Japan just shock things up.

Fish, curry, garlic, ox tongue, chicken wing ICE CREAM

They never seem to disappoint. From gastronomical delights to the exit of those gastronomical delights into the high tech sanitary basins, from insane Japanoise androgynous bands to unspeakable pornographic offerings they have a mind set like no other. DA DA DA DA DADA, DA DA DA DA DADA......

Just waiting for zebra ice cream now. After all the chaos and mind twisting logic of the Japanese give me a tropical zebra ice cream sitting in my South African beach house. Wilderness for miles, eyes so mild and wise.

Milk it...

2011-01-21T12:52:00.000-08:00

Never has such a piece of work been talked so irrelevantly without citing its influences. In the time I have been waffling about cheese this and cheese that and cheese the other. I have rarely mentioned the said milk. But what wonderful magical animal excretes pure cheese?

Exactly, that collective "none" has put shame onto my neglect of the raw materials. The essence, the original, in the beginning there was the word. But what of milk?

There is a fear of milk. We are always waiting for it to die. We are wary as every time we grab milk from the fridge the first thing we do it sheepishly whiff the opened jug. The relief on our faces it has lived another day. We show no trust to the milk we buy from the supermarkets and correctly so. Why does it go bad several days before if says on the label? Is it the collective fridges throughout the country are of a poor quality? No it is the milk that is of a poor quality.

This man bes a Mr Louis Pasteur the pioneer of milk as we know it today... pasteurised. People run and hide under their bed when they are confronted with raw milk. But run no longer. The reason the pasteurised milk is going bad is because its TVC (Total viable count, ie what bacteria is in the milk) is of a high level. Raw milk has been proven to be kept more hygienic as the producers of pasteurised milk think once it is pasteurised it is infallible and can be abused. Most counts pushing the legel limit of 100000, but raw milk counts could be closer to this....

So lets up rise. This cleaner milk is deemed unsuitable for human consumption?! Do we need to be wrapped up so, should we not have free choice, without having to travel many a mile to find some raw milk by a farmers gate? Let us drink in celebration of the milk....

"Milk is for babies. When you grow up you have to drink beer. "

Not so Mr Schwarzenegger, why limit ourselves. Milk should negotiate its way towards alcohol. Head to The Korova Milk Bar. Sit on the nearest naked lady and pour yourself a cold one from her nipple. Drink the milk with knives in it, it will sharpen you up as...

"No animal ever invented anything so bad as drunkenness--or so good as drink"

Jackass

2011-01-18T11:47:00.000-08:00

When you think of things of great wealth one of the last things you would think off would be a donkey. Many a time as I strode through the pouring rain to make it through to a one on one with the goalkeeper only to have my boot catch the muddy turf and fall flat on my face. DONKEY! DONKEY! DONKEY! they would chant as I lay there, the mud hiding the tears on my cheeks. It hard to imagine that they are making a reference to, maybe the fact that the donkey was once responsible for the wealth of the Egyptians due to it being the means for transport of precious metals carried from Africa by donkeys? Or maybe it was them parodying my twisting silky dribbling referring to the donkeys carrying silk along the 'Silk Road' from Pacific Ocean to the Mediterranean, but I feel they were using it in the vain of the derogatory slant it has become. But fear not donkey lovers as the worth of donkeys is again to rise....

DONKEY CHEESE

It has taken the throne as the worlds most expensive cheese. I have touched on this before in the usual roundabout way here, but there is a new king in town and that king is 'Pule'. Pule comes from the Serbian word for 'foal'. Cue donkey fact....In the desert environment a donkey is able to hear the call of another donkey 60 miles away, they have far larger ears than horses.

But back to the cheese... This donkeys cheese comes in at a whopping £1000/kg. But whats so special about these donkeys I hear you say? Nothing really it is just that there is a terrible yield from donkey milk due to the very low percentage of fat and protein available. No wonder the coachman in Pinochio set up Pleasure Island. But surely everyone is a winner, you get to play pool, drink, smoke, fight, gamble and then when you have made enough of a 'jackass' of yourself you turn into a donkey and produce some of the most expensive cheese in the world. This is basically a metaphor for my life....

Another reason for why the cheese may cost so much is the danger that surrounds the milking of the donkeys. Due to there cautious and untrusting nature they are forever bucking their legs and this would be hazardous during milking as they would be forever kicking off their milking clusters. This could lead too many pathogens such as escherichia coli and salmonella getting into the milk through fecal contamination. ie Pony crap....

Death By Cheese....

2011-01-17T11:46:00.000-08:00

"McCormack and Richard Tauber are singing by the bed

There's a glass of punch below your feet and an angel at your head"

Financial crisis isn't the only thing that Ireland has in common with the Greeks, they also have some exceptional mythology. An underrated mythology if you will. Its got everything a good myth needs. Deceit, seductive ladies, death, moider! Like a good Saturday night in Galway.

Mr Shane MacGowan references an old tale of woe for Cú Chulainn. Trouble began for poor Cu Chulainn before he was even born. His mother was called Deichtineand she was the daughter of the King of Ulster. She was out with her father one night in search of a wondrous flock of beautiful birds. A snowstorm ensues and they take refuse at a near by house. The lady of the house goes into labour that evening and Deichtineand helps to birth that child and just like a 50s horror film there is a crash of lightening that preempts a mare in the stables giving birth to 2 colts.

A joyous evening for everyone, as the storm rages on outside. As dawn was breaking and everyone resurfacing with megalithic hangovers only for the parents of the new born to have disappeared so Deichtineand mothered that child unfortunelty only for the child to fall sick and die.

The god Lug appears to her and tells her he was their host that night, and that he has put his child in her womb, who is to be called Sétanta. Her pregnancy is a scandal as she is betrothed to Sulatam mac Róich, and the Ulstermen suspect Conchobar of being the father, so she aborts the child and goes to her husband's bed "virgin-whole". She then conceives a son whom she names Sétanta. Later changes his name after killing a dog. Jeremy Kyle eat your heart out.

And what a stunner he was not only was he a head turner his beauty could melt snow. I'm sure he would have had no problems with the ladies. He could walk up to the tallest and blondest girl, he would say....

It is the Greek mythology though that ties this all into cheese this very eve. Queen Maeve of Connaught meet an untimely demise at the hands of some hard curd. She was slain by her own nephew. She was bathing in the waters of Lough Ree when after hours of practice killed her by firing Tanag though a sling shot. Tanag being a hard pressed cheese. What a way to go.

Unfortunately many of the indigenous cheeses from Ireland have been lost over time. They had a Fraisce Grotha which translates as compression of curds. This would have been a fresh cheese. There are others to many a few Millsen, Gruth, That and Mulchan. But what they really strived at was butter, which would be buried in the bogs. Whether this was to preserve or to make it rancid is unclear.

Looks good. As traditional as an Irish wedding or a horse riding thorough a council estate....

Teller of Untruths, Your Trousers Have Combusted

2010-11-14T13:52:00.000-08:00

It's 12:36 PM on a leafy suburb of any given generic city. All to be heard are the fleeting cars on the duel carriage way nearby. Then a bell echoes around. Starting in the marble corridors and making its way to the cochlea of a child. It is now time for the sacred ritual that is kids lunchtime. The yard is full. Groups of boys and girls scream, running around with not a care in the world. But then one boy tries to exaggerate a tale of his to gain some playground respect. But hes pushed it too far. The dreaded chant bellows out creating a silence and all eyes gaze upon him....

"LIAR, LIAR, PANTS ON FIRE!"

But what does this mean? Why are his pants on fire? Is it literal or maybe just a good rhyme? Well legend has it, it originates from the fact that lying is considered an immoral act that is punishable by spanking. Henceforth one who lies bottom will be hit causing his or her pants to be on fire.

And well we all know who are the biggest liars and contradictors of the lot? Not the poor school child trying to navigate the social maze of primary school, but the GOVERNMENT!!!

They need to get their stories straight....

Here is an article from the NY Times about the government scaremongering about fat and then pushing cheese sales.

Now neither of these are necessarily bad things. But they need to put their message across differently. People shouldn't just be worrying about their fat intake, but looking at their all round health. Be active, eat healthily, have some sense, instead of frightening people about fat they should be encouraging educating ourselves so we can make informed decisions not just be told eat less of this and more of the other.

Cheese does have quite a high fat content, but its has its advantages being calcium rich. But were not expected to eat 100g at a time. Its not going to kill you unless you have one of these a day....

Then it would be goodbye friend...

Dead or Alive

2010-11-10T11:40:00.000-08:00

Zombies. The walking DEAD. The living DEAD. The unDEAD. But are they really dead??

Well the idea of a zombie originates from Haiti and a young man by the name of Wade Davis was fascinated by the tales of voodoo. He had read stories of zombies and their link with voodoo, which told of the people being controlled as laborers by a powerful sorcerers or bokors. In the 80s he presented a pharmacological case that could explain zombie like states. So the bokor would introduce 2 chemicals to the victim. Straight to the blood, usually via a wound. Assumably this is where the grotesque name of the modern pop culture zombie comes from. First he we add a toxin "coup de poudre" the main component being tetrodotoxin which is found in the flesh of puffer fish, fugu, which when not prepared correctly can be deadly as popularised by a certain Mr. Homer J. Simpson, well he wasn't a friend to the salad....

Together which another drug these powders were said to induce a death-like state in which the victim's will would be entirely subjected to that of the bokor. Then they would be reanimated after being buried. Thus breaking up through the soil comes the iconic zombie. But is it immortal now or is it just a corpse?

This point can be transferred to other debates. The one we'll choose is the philosophical hot pot that is cheese of course. So what is cheese. It is one of life's great conundrum. Is the cheese the immortal embodiment of milk? Or is it a corpse vessel that is the Tumuli of the milk? The opposing sides of the argument go as such....

The late great American author Clifton Fadiman argued...

"A cheese may disappoint.
It may be dull, it may be naive, it may be oversophisticated.
Yet it remains, cheese, milk’s leap toward immortality"

Where as a certain James Joyce disagreed with him...

"A corpse is meat gone bad. Well and what’s cheese? Corpse of milk."

NO, NO, NO, NO......... Yes..........

Homeopathy Apathy?

2010-10-16T09:21:00.000-07:00

You wake up. Look out the window. Grey. You go to the bathroom and see a pale version of your former self staring back at you. You haven't been abusing your body with the usual concoction of cheap booze and expensive second hand smoking. But you still have this throbbing in the deep of your throat. So what do you do, straight and grab the Covonia?

FOOL!!! Look at how the cheap advertising has lured you into this rash self harming decision. What is wrong with the good old homoeopathic remedies of days gone by? Sure people used to live to the tender age of 56 back then. If its good enough for them its good enough for me!

Homoeopathy has been kicking around since 1796 when a German by the name Samuel Hahnemann put foreward the idea to treat ill patients with a diluted sustance that would give the ill effects to a healthy patient. Hmmmm maybe a home remedy might be better for that sore throat then....

So the pain of the sore throat has you paralyised. You cant bare to venture out in the grey surely there must be something in the house you can use to you own advantage. So you pull open the fridge and its there staring straight at you in all its cheeesy glory. Cottage cheese!

Yes for many a year people have been using this to clear a sore throat. So here how it goes down. You make a cottage cheese poultice. You do this by getting some cottage cheese spreading it on a cloth and heating it with a hair dyer. Then wrap this cloth around your throat. Leave for 3-4hrs and hey presto sore throat is gone. Or is it??? Id prefer a we gurle in the bathroom...

Cracking Up

2010-10-09T12:08:00.000-07:00

Last night I ventured into the depths of the past for a gig in Sheffield. It was in a venue called skate central. I thought, oh a nice we throw back to times of yore, bubblegum, slush puppies and hotdawgs, old LED scoreboard, the blood of a grazed knee on the floor, but essentially now converted into a music venue.

But when I arrived and entered up the marble stairs a pair of skates were thrust apont me. Several nerve calming drinks later and I can say I could imagine myself to be as smooth as these boys....

Even to glide like this guy would have been acceptable....

But no doubt this is who I was aspiring to be....

Mother Goose

2010-09-28T11:22:00.000-07:00

"Old Mother Goose,

When she wanted to wander,
Would ride through the air
On a very fine gander.

Jack's mother came in,

And caught the goose soon,

And mounting its back,

Flew up to the moon"

Ma, mum, mother dearest, mama, mummy, mom. Whatever the name the beast remains the same. The bond from mother to son is one of the strongest history has seen. It is a theme explored from as far back as ancient Greek mythology. However due to a certain Mr Freud naming a complex, relating to a child's unconscious desire for his mother and resentment or jealously of his father, after Oedipus, people believe that Oedipus felt this bond also. When in fact Oedipus' parents, Jocasta and Laius, never intended to encounter their son. After hearing from the Oracle that their first born male would kill his father and marry the mother they did what any parents would do. They bound him by the ankles and asked a servant to dispose of him.

Of course the servant couldn't carry this through and off loaded him to a shepherd in a near by town. Life is good for Oedipus until a drunk tells him that his "da" ain't his da. So he goes to his local Oracle who doesn't tell him who his real father is but informs him of the prophecy.

Afraid of fulfilling the prophecy he runs away to the nearest town, which just happens to be his birth place Thebes. On his journey he comes to a point where 3 roads meet and encounters a Chariot driven by, unbeknown to him, his birth father, King Laius. So in a fit of road rage Oedipus slays his dad over who has right of the road. Don't tell me you wouldn't have done the same.

Continuing on towards Thebes he came in contact with Sphinx, who would stop all those who traveled to Thebes and ask them a riddle.

"What walks on four feet in the morning, two in the afternoon and three at night?"

Oedipus answered correctly. Can you? The Sphinx is astounded and inexplicably kills itself, freeing Thebes. In turn this earns him the recently widowed Jocasta's hand in marriage, completing the prophecy. The rest is your usually Monday night soap affair. Mythical kings eh?

There is an old Spanish proverb that reads:

"An ounce of mother is worth a pound of clergy"

If this be true then this New Yorker is worth a few Monasteries. Daniel Angerer has posted up a recipe for breast milk cheese. Unsettlingly called Mommy's milk cheese. It was interesting to see that the same rules and procedure still apply. Interesting to note that it would have different tastes depending on the diet of his wife at the time. This is surely a new market. With the limited types of feed you can give to a goat/cow/sheep it can be hard to find new unique tastes, but with the female they have a multitude of options to alter the taste of the milk. and inturn the taste of the cheese. Do women ever cease to amaze?

Day Zero

2010-09-27T13:19:00.000-07:00

In the beginning was the Fermentation

Today I embarked on a new path. From the humble surroundings of Belfasts finest family run delicatessens to a new world filled with fermentation. I enrolled today at the School of Artisan Food...

"I have changed my name so often,
I've lost my wife and children"

The school is nestled away in the corner of the Welbeck Estate. Home to thousands of acres of farm, forest and fields peppered with imposing stone buildings. Also on the estate is the impressive Welbeck Abbey. A Monastery that dates back to 1143. And how things have changed in a mere 900 years. The premonstratensian order that originated in Germany were believers in strict self denial. How they could manage that with the smell of baking bread to compliment the Stichelton made just down the road. They were known as the white monks.

And here is a sneak peak of further things to come. Rough ladies and gentle men I give you. Stichelton...

Day onehundredandthirtynine.....

2010-04-08T04:13:00.000-07:00

And On The 39th Day He Rose Again

Like a phoenix from the flames, Thomswoon has risen from cutting floor of the fromagerie. And how the world has changed in those 39days. But why wait 39days. Does that make me 13times less of a being as Jesus? Or maybe more, or perhaps I was on a trip?

http://news.discovery.com/space/mars-rocket-vasimr-nasa.html

Cheese will not stop for any man. Cuisine is forever changing. Throughout the ages, different cultures have banqueted in many different ways.

But now thanks to a wise aunt of mine I have seen the future of dining...

Cheese Restaurants

All the menu sounding pongingly delicious however I did stumble across one anomaly. L'Assiette de l'Etable. It is described in the article as.

"An assortment of three cheeses on toast, served with lettuce and cooked sliced ham."

Aye, cheese and ham toastie? But fear not many a dish even for the concerned vegetarian.

"I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants"

The words of comedian Whitney Brown. I wonder if that's why some people are carnivores?

Day nintynine....

2010-03-09T10:32:00.000-08:00

This Is The End

This is the last post, for the time being that I shall make. The end is nigh. It was written that on the 100th day the world would stop, cheese would cease to be, turning to dust. Every animals milk would dry up and the rivers of dairy will end. So I will make the final pilgrimage to Dalston, to worship our leader. The one whom we strove to improve ourselves with for the past 100days. Together we will all stand when the sands of time run out.

"Don't leave me, it is necessary to forget everything you need to forget,
which is already over.Forget the times of the misunderstandings, the lost time,
to know how to forget the hours, which sometimes kill,the reasons why, the heart full of joy.

Don't leave me
Don't leave me
Don't leave me
Don't leave me

I offer you pearls of rain, coming fro countries where is never rains,
I will cross the world until after my death,
for to cover your body with gold and bright light,
I will give you a kingdom where love will be the king,
Where love will be the law
and where you will be queen.
Don't leave me
Don't leave me
Don't leave me
Don't leave me
Don't leave me."

Thomswoon could no longer take it anymore. A knife through his heart of cheese. Mouth stuffed with Baby Belle. He could no longer bare the sight from his window. He would rather have died looking at cheese than live and see merely cheese once every now and again. And his final message scrolled across his chest in squeeze cheese, the end.........

Day nintyeight....

2010-03-08T11:20:00.000-08:00

What's In A Name

"For a moment she rediscovered the purpose of her life.
She was here on earth to grasp the meaning of its wild enchantment,
and to call each thing by its right name.
By its right name."

This is a quote from Dr Zhivago and is later recalled in a film called Into The Wild. A beautiful film it is. Based on a true story about Chrispoher McCandless, he shuns society, gives all his college money to Oxfam, leaves his comfortable middle class life, and after 2 years hitching around USA ends up as far away from society as possible living in an unused bus in the Alaskan wilderness. But it isn't until he is reading this passage that he realises that his happiness is not in the beauty of the world but the relationship with the people he met as he explored it. But it is too late he knows that he will die and writes through this passage...

"Happiness is only real when it is shared."

And how true this is. For the past 98 days it has been onemanandhischeese, Thomswoon. Am I doomed to be trapped in this blog.

"Happiness is only real when it is shared."

Tis only too true and I am only too lucky to have had many friends around to help contribute ideas when my mind was lacking. My better half Raymona Crozier, a Mexican with one of the finest minds Mr Tony Moore, the only other person who appreciates the female form more than myself Jemima Cartin and nighthawk, ChatRoulette harlequin Rosemary Kirton. I thank you all. But that's enough of all this "cheesiness" time for the hard hitting headlines...

"Teen Pleads Guilty To Hiring Hit Man To Steal Block Of Cheese"

What fine cheese must this be? Caciocavallo Podolico perhaps? A cheese made in Italy and costs the same per lb as silver. Well no its not that. Maybe is Mouse House cheese in Bjursholm? Costing $500 per lb? No in fact it was Queso Fresco.

Jessica Sandy Booth mistook this cheese for a block of cocaine. The homemaking of Queso Fresco is quite common with Hispanics as it is seen as safer, due to TB outbreaks linked with the raw milk. So she mistook at this home cheese making as a cocaine production line. She then compounded this mistake by hiring an undercover police man to steal the cheese and kill the four men in the house. The worst case of mistaken identity since this unfortunate incident.

Day nintysix....

2010-03-06T10:40:00.000-08:00

What Next?

"My interest is in the future because I am going to spend the rest of my life there."

This quote is from inventor Charles F Kettering. He was head of research for general motors and would have bestowed this knowledge around the early 1900s. It must have been a very exciting time and look at the change 100 years has made.

This is an image of Belfast's Vitoria Square taken around 1910. And here it is 100 years on.

But today nostalgia seems to have over taken our desire to look to the future. Which is surprising as the future has never been so exciting with nanotechnology the world is our oyster, even being able to replicate conditions of how the world was created. But many arts, fashion and media look back to the "good old days" but not these boys...

These are the good old days but what was I talking about....

But where does cheese belong in the future? There are again two major camps on this. The artisan cheese makers, who want to bring cheese back to the singular farms and use traditional methods. And then there are these people...

http://www.dairy-journal.org/index.php?option=article&access=doi&doi=10.1051/dst/2008038

This is an article about a study into using cryogenics in the cooling of the cheese curd. Cryogenic cheese?

So do we embrace the traditional, tried and trusted methods? They must be the best as they have lasted for many a moon?

But don't be afraid of the future. For tomorrow belongs to the people who prepare for it today.

Day nintyfive....

2010-03-05T18:00:00.000-08:00

Ice Cream Man, Ring Your Bell

"Clickin' by your house about two forty-five
With a sidewalk sundae strawberry surprise,
I got a cherry popsicle right on time

A big stick, mamma, that'll blow your mind"

When most people think of ice cream I'm sure they conjure up such picturesque images of a summers walk through a park, as the sun begins to lower in the sky, it's cooling after a baking day and the ice cream can be enjoyed without dripping down over the grasping hand. Sweet flavours. Strawberry, bubblegum, mint choc chip, rum n raisin. But what's this... Fromaggio Gelato? Cheese Ice Cream? Yes don't let your eyes deceive you. And after thinking about it I suppose it makes sense. Cheese is made from milk and cream. Heres is a recipe...

http://italianfood.about.com/od/gelatoandsherbet/r/blr0546.htm

When first invented in 500Ad in China, they would serve ice cream with saffron and vermicelli. Again sounding strange but the Asian use of vermicelli is not like the dried pasta variety you would find in the shop, it is more akin to a rice pudding.

What would King Tang of Shang think? He was the first king of the Shang dinasty, and it was he who commanded 94 to make a frozen dish using buffalo milk and flour. Think of his face as you suckle upon that icy treat, and thank him for his foresight.

Day nintyfour....

2010-03-04T11:47:00.000-08:00

From Cheddar With Love

It has been a long and arduous week. The past 90 days had caught up with me. My brian numbed (yes I meant brian, tis a joke referencing my tiredom), and I was cheesed out. I stared at the black screen ahead of me. Nothing could live up to the reasonably low standards I had been churning out, that's how low it went. With the finish line in sight I seemed to give up. A bit like the story of the tortoise and the man.

http://www.stewartlee.co.uk/youtube/fistoffun1-1.htm
(Watch it all as it is one of the best TV shows ever made, but for this reference skip to 18:58)

But then in my mailbox today I did receive, a message, a sign, a gift. Go forth and complete the 100days, stop being so lazy, I know "15 storeys high" by Sean Lock is a great show but really 2 series in a few days, think of the cheese. This was the gift....

A program from the comedian Richard Herring's latest show "Hilter Moustache", in which he is trying to reclaim the swastika(refer to day33 for onemanandhischeese's efforts) and also the comedians toothbrush moustache. It was signed "Michael, you cheesy c***. I like Cheddar." And I realised I have only flited with the worlds most popular cheese. Mr Herring himself is from Cheddar, Somerset. And for you who have never visited here is a brief synopsis of the way of the world in Cheddar.

http://www.stewartlee.co.uk/youtube/fistoffun1-2.htm
(01:48)

Cheddar cheeses first record of being used in UK was in one of King Henry ii banquets were he purchased 10, 000 lbs. But the favourite cheese of the English isn't exactly, well English. The recipe is from a French cheese Cantal. But after a few minor adjustments it is now the worlds most popular cheese. This is mainly through the fact that Cheddar doesn't have a PDO, a protected designation of origin, so any thing hard and yellow is usually called Cheddar. Whereas traditionalyl it was only cheese made within 30 miles of Well Cathedral that could claim this. I can imagine the people of Somerset singing this next tune, shouting out about the world stealing the traditional methods of making Cheddar and exploiting their heritage.

Day ninty....

2010-02-28T14:46:00.000-08:00

Fromage De Santa

"Go often to the house of thy friend; for weeds soon choke up the unused path."

This is an ancient Scandinavian proverb. Its roots lie with the original makers of Lapland Cheese.

The packaging is very modern for such a traditional cheese. Lapland Cheese is one of the oldest cheeses in Finland. It is mainly produced in the summer due to the high milk production. The fresh farm milk was warmed up in the big kettle, few drops of rennet added and after the coagulation the cheese mass was stirred and loosely pressed. The pressed cheese was baked next to an open fire until the surface of this ‘’bread’’ was brown spotted. The baking board was very special, a wooden disc with base. Traditional surface treatment of the Lapland Cheese by open fire improved the quality and killed the bacteria which cause taste defects.

This above picture is not the first thought of mine when I hear Lapland. Many a night wandering through the back streets in soho I often walked past a neon sign reading Lapland. It must have been the UK distribution centre for the cheese. Staff all seemed very friendly trying to entice me in. They must have been followers and knew Thomswoons face.

Day eightynine....

2010-02-27T10:13:00.000-08:00

In The Dark

Fed up of running out of your favourite fromage delight in the small hours of the morning and you need that sweet nutty hit to get rid of the sweats so you can get hours of peace and nightmares? Just me then? But why not make your own homemade cheese cave.

Not exactly like this. Back in days of yore caves were perfect for maturing cheese in due to the consistent humidity. But now you can replicate this. All you need is an old refrigerator, a temperature regulator and bowl of water.

http://www.cheesemaking.com/includes/modules/jWallace/OnLineNews/NewsFiles/Cave/Cave1.html

But that is the history. What does the future hold in store for caves. Here is a piece of work by Mexican artist Alan Ruiz titled "Cave".

I think the shapes on the floor represent cheese. Hmmmm. Ponder this with another famous Cave lilting in the background.

Day eightyeight.....

2010-02-26T12:31:00.000-08:00

Two Fat Ladies

Well as its day 88, I conjured up the image of 2 fat ladies, 88. Today obesity is rife. Kids are dying, doors being widened, cranes to take people to hospital. It is getting out of hand. Many people are blaming high fat foods, snacks etc. And of course with cheese being a high fat food they are scaremongering people into not eating it. But it is not the blame of the foods or the food industry, subliminal advertising, showing food everywhere as delicious as ever. But look at the fat. A good size helping of cheese, say 40g, which is ample for a huge sandwich contains 14g of fat and consider that the GDA for women is 70g and men 95g how can this lead to obesity. Don't blame the food.

Leave it alone. Blame it on the subject of this next song...

Day eightyseven...

2010-02-25T12:27:00.000-08:00

I'm Tired And I Want To Go To Bed

There is a new breed. The wine ponce. We are the age of the binge drinkers. Not only the students and adolescents, but our older peers too. Alcohol is cheaper and easier to acquire and in the case of the sweet alcopop drink too. But its not all consumption, one of the newest and fasted growing hobbies is wine tasting. People are now signing up to sample wines and pick up the complex flavours and notes they taste. And there are experts who will tell you what food goes best with the wine etc etc etc. Call me a sceptic but phaa! And now these experts are telling us what wine matches cheese. We are fools to take their advice. Many cheese boards will contain up to 6 different cheeses. So that would mean 6 different wines. Maybe they are on to something... But I will not be bought. Enjoy cheese with whatever tipple you enjoy. Neither go hand in hand. Listen to the cheese. PONCE.

These two fun loving critters are cheese and milk. They are dairy products done bad. They are heavy drinkers and love a bit of violence. They are here to rid us from these ORGANISED HIPSTERS.

"Disfigurment may be trendy, but assault is eternal"

Day eightysix.....

2010-02-24T16:18:00.000-08:00

Oh That's The Stilton!

A Dictionary of Modern Slang, by John Camden Hotten. Not to be mixed up with Grose's "The Dictionary of the Vulgar Tongue", which I have mentioned a few times on previous days. Hotten used Vulgar tongue as a reference point and it is quite the treat. Hotten was quite the bibliophile. He wrote and published many books. He wasn't the most pleasant of men and was quite often surrounded in scandal. He also owned a bookshop. Reminiscent of anyone?

But between his blackmailing and fornicating, Hotton was quite the compiler of slang. And it was in publication that many of the great cheese saying come from. "That's the cheese", "That's the Stilton", but one significant one was "cheese" referring to something being good. In today's modern world something being "cheesy" is a slight on it. But in 1863 it was seen as...

"Anything good, first rate in quality, genuine, pleasant or advantageous"

But it was the Americans who first coined the phrase the "Big cheese". It came in a piece in a New York major in 1922.

"Foley, say there, Foley, with your hair of reddish hue
And your Irish smile, begorra!
Blarneyed them into meeting you.
The big mayor of Olean fair,
You're the big cheese on the scene.
Foley, tell us, Foley, is your city song

The Wearin of the Green?"

And soon it would become something everyone despised. Here's to you, you BIG CHEESE.

Day eightyfive.....

2010-02-23T11:45:00.000-08:00

Guardians Of The Cheese

In a land a long time ago the accent rulers gaurded the secret to eternal youth, beauty and spritiual fulfillment. The world was a diffent place to what we know now.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/tuchodi/3182434953/

But can you freeze cheese? There are many thoughts on this topic. Many cheese freeze better than others. The harder the cheese the better. For example if you find a fresh piece of Reggiano buy several large portions cut from the main block. Then you can freeze it, and grate or shred it straight from frozen onto your soup, pasta toast and it will melt on contact. Beautiful.

As time passed and the land thawed out the legend of the precious cheese began to spread around the land. Prospectors came from far and wide to proclaim the cheese as their own. But the new fortress was to strong and the elders wiser than ever.

But it wont be too long before the cheese is acquired by an evil force. Time to call in the police.

Day eightyfour.....

2010-02-22T14:28:00.000-08:00

Alone We Stand, Alone We Fall

"Loneliness adds beauty to life. It puts a special burn on sunsets and makes night air smell better"

The words of Black Flag lead, Henry Rollins. And words that this one man with only cheese as his counterpart can understand well. This is not saying I shun away from society. Only a lonely man could truly enjoy a beer, some cheese and black flag in a luxuriously warm bath in an unluxoriously cold house. I stumbled upon this poem by Dan Anderson whilst drying from bathing.

"The Lonely Cheese
I'm a lonely piece of Gouda
the last one on the plate
I arrived with many others but
the others you have ate

I'm a lonely piece of Gouda and
I'm begging to you please
eat me up, don't let me waste
I'm a tasty chunk'a'cheese

Yes I'm a semi-soft Gouda
and not some spreadable slacker
and I hope you eat me soon Sir,
before you finish the final cracker"

It made me realise how selfish I have become. In the 84 days it has been about me. What cheese I found, what cheese I ate, what cheese I manipulated to fit this very loose narrative. I forgot about the one I loved, what was going through the mind of the cheese.

Ohhh the tragedy.

"And she cannot tolerate my lactose."

A tear fell, followed by several more. Had this been written in days of yore a inky puddle would have appeared, a word smudged to show my emotion, but alas the tears fall onto the keyboard. Only the customer service desk at PC world will share my pain, and exasperate it by charging me to fix the salted keys. We are all truly here on our own...

Day eightythree...

2010-02-21T12:43:00.000-08:00

Rennet

What is makes cheese vegetarian?

"Well is kinda doesn't have the rennet in it. Depends whether there has been, um, if there has been an animal process in it. Animal fats or something in there, and if you get a vegetarian cheese it doesn't have any of that in it at all. So the rennet, sometimes they wrap it in these sort of cheeses from European type cheeses they can wrap it in a bit of rennet to intensify the flavour"

Well don't believe everything you see on TV. This was Ainsley Harriott's attempt to describe rennet. What's wrong with just saying, I'm not certain...

http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b006v85g

Fast forward to 4:00 for a beautiful explanation.

This may seem a bit smug. But I don't mean to be. I'm not making light of his lack of knowledge but I don't see why he has to lie. It isn't vitally important but he is so brash about it he must be outed. Mmmmm I love that rennet wrapped cheese.

That is an exaggeration. Rennet is actually just a group of enzymes that are naturally produced in a cows (or any other mammalians) stomach. It is used to separate (coagulate) cheese into curds and whey. This is why it isn't vegetarian. It is extracted from young calves that are being breed for their veal.

Sorry if this has put you off your cheese and pickle sandwich grinding in your mouth. However most widely produced cheese these days is produced using a genetically engineered rennet. Produced by the fungus of the aspergillus niger.

But why did we delve straight to the stomach of the cow?

"As when fig-juice is added to white milk and rapidly coagulates the liquid,
and the milk curdles as it is stirred, so speedy was his healing of raging Ares."

This passage is from Homers epic Greek poem The Iliad. Of course this was written in the 8th or 9th century so why not make cheese this way. Then instead of the above nauseating stomachs above, we would have a similar but not as gruesome object hanging...

Day eightytwo....

2010-02-21T11:59:00.000-08:00

Norn Iron

Northern Ireland. Homeland of 1.7million people. A football team lying 40th in the FIFA World Rankings. History of failed ship making. Maker of cheese. It makes sense. Although this has not always been the case. Most of the fine cattle in Northern Ireland is used for beef. We love it. But now a few of the big creameries are producing cheese and lots of it.

Some people could argue that this should fall into cheesart, but unless the sculptures are purposely abstract that shan't be the case. Maybe I am being short sighted and like surrealist Rene Magritte's 1923 Self-Portrait, the above sculptures follow his example.

But God loves a trier....

Day eightyone...

2010-02-19T10:35:00.000-08:00

Since My Baby Left Me

I have talked a lot on this blog about the new art movement of the 21st century. Cheesart. Many of the current cheeartists may not be appreciated in their time but they do this not for the money. They do it not for the glory. They do it for their love of cheese. And now its time for another future cheesart classic. Rather than the classic sculptures it has now developed to the collage.

This piece has been made using cheese puffs. This is a snack invented by the US of A in the 1930s. They are puffed corn snacks that have a cheese mixture inside and coated in a cheese powder on the inside. Beautiful stuff. Who thought such primitive tools could produce such a beautiful body of work. "O great creator of being grant us one more hour to perform our art and perfect our lives"

These the words of another great artist. In day 54 his words are used in a cheese advert so his affiliation is strong. I wonder what he would think of cheesart if the great man was still with us...

Day eighty....

2010-02-18T11:00:00.000-08:00

Those Tired Eyes Behind That Grinning Smile

"She'll come, she'll go. She'll lay belief on you"

A fictional smile. I feel this song is about love. Loving a woman when you know she'll just use you. And what's wrong with that. The smile of the Cheshire Cat. The Cheshire Cat's smile is the smile of a trickster. The mentioning of the Cheshire Cat is popular culture dates back to a book I mentioned in day 17, "The Dictionary of The Vulgar Tongue".

"CHESHIRE CAT. He grins like a Cheshire cat;
said of any one who shows his teeth and gums in laughing."

This was a slang term used by many people of the region. Many believe it is derived from the cat-like gargoyles on the 12th and 13th century buildings around the Cheshire villages. But the Cheshire Cat was immortalised in Alice and Wonderland by Lewis Carroll.

Carroll was influenced heavily by tales of Cheshire cheese being mad in cat shaped molds. You would begin eating the cheese at the tale and the last bit to be eaten was the smile of the cat.

"Well! I've often seen a cat without a grin," thought Alice; "but a grin without a cat! It's the most curious thing I ever saw in all my life!"

Cheshire cheese is the oldest named English cheese and can even be found in the doomsday book of 1086.

It is a salty crumbly cheese, which makes sense as Cheshire is long linked with salt production. 6,500 tonnes of it is sold around the UK today making it the choosy cheese choosers choice.

Day seventynine....

2010-02-17T05:44:00.000-08:00

Say Cheese

If for any reason this blog gets bought by a big TV executive and made into a 1980s sitcom my only request is that this is used as the opening sequence.

However not only is this a delightful snippet of years gone by, it raises a good question. Why do we say cheese before getting our souls stolen, I mean our pictures taken. Well nobody knows exactly where its came about from, but it is thought when smiling for portraits became fashionable in the 20th century, the studios and photographers needed assistance to help their subjects smile. Also with the improvement of dental health and Kodak developing a cheap camera that many families could use everyone was dying for that perfect smile.

When you elongate the word cheese out the corners of you mouth raise, your cheeks lift and you sneak out a bit of denture, the perfect smile. But why not disease, or trees or fleas? Nobody knows. But again it is changing, in some London studios instead of saying "cheese" the subjects are asked to say "prunes" to give them a tight lipped pout, making them look like they have got some attitude.

So now as you know its not vital to say cheese why not the next time some one is taking for photo be more adventurous with your smile word. If your getting you photo taken in jail maybe try "escapees". Or maybe asthmatics could go "wheeze", like they usually do. Or maybe if you are being sent back to your own country lighten the mood of your photo by yelling "deportees". Weather men could holla "light breeze". Perhaps you are a pirate and just enjoying your latest raid why not but on that bling and pose for a photo and proclaim "freedom of the seas". Any more?

Day seventyeight....

2010-02-16T14:20:00.000-08:00

Happy Pancake Day

"Well its 'Happy Pancake Day'
All Across the western world,
See me and my girl,
Kissing in the kitchen,
Kissing in the kitchen,
Kissing by the stove,
Push me up against the fridge girl,
I can't stand to eat alone.
So now I'm hungry, now I'm thirsty,
Now I'm craving just a little more.
Pile my plate up to the ceiling,
Kissing in the kitchen.
I can't stand to eat alone,
I can't stand to eat alone,
I can't stand to eat alone,
I can't stand to eat alone."

Yes it's pancake tuesday. And the above words are from the genius of David Tattersall from one of the greatest and underrated bands about, The Wave Pictures.

But whilst we are all going on about eating pancakes people forget that it is the dawn of lent. This is a period of roughly 40 days in which Christians prepare for Holy Week. Mostly people now just link it to giving up something for 40 days and nights. I was considing giving up cheese but after reading this I feel it is too dangerous to go cold turkey.

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/article4538527.ece

"Food triggers “pleasure” chemicals

Scientists have identified that pleasurable sensations stimulated by food share common pathways in our brains to those triggered by drugs. For example, there are similarities in the way we release the “pleasure” chemical dopamine at the thought of a food we love to the way an addict's brain reacts when he or she thinks of his or her drug of choice."

Drug of choice, surely that contradicts with the fact its the "addict's" brain, as they are addicted they have no choice? Here are some choices....

"Drugs are for mugs, Whilst dont forget to refuse the booze, Stay in school."

Day seventyseven....

2010-02-15T11:14:00.000-08:00

CheeseRoulette

"Voyeur Sex Games Spread On Chat Site"

This was the headline ran by the Observer about a new website that has taken the Internet by storm. The website in question goes by the name Chatroulette. In case you are unawares, Chatroulette is a website which randomly links you with other strangers from around the world via a webcam chat. It is completely random and by the press of a button you can cut to another stranger. But whilst the newspapers will always concentrate on the negative, this is an amazing website. You can be linked to a hotel in downtown Tokyo or a farm in Peru, although you do have to view more willies than you thought you would ever see in your lifetime let alone 10minutes. That aside it can lead to great discoveries. I was talking to 2 Turkish fellas and low and behold they were eating cheese and they gave me a run down of the best Turkish cheese.

They're favourite cheese was Eski Kaşar. The Turks learned about the making of this cheese when they settled in Anatolia. It is a sheep milk cheese. Eski translates roughly into old and the reason it is called old is that the cheese is aged in an icehouse for 6months. If it is made with 100% sheeps milk it will keep for up to 3 years.

They then asked for my view on Turkish cheese. I went on to explain how that the shop I work in sells 100s of cheeses from many different locations. USA, Norway, Greece, Cyprus among the most obscure but not Turkey. But I passed on what knowledge of Turkey cheese that I had.

It wasn't long before i was F9ed and a picture of a not to impressive member was on my screen yet again. They say life is about the small moments....

Day seventysix....

2010-02-14T07:57:00.000-08:00

Love Is In The Air

St. Valentines day is upon us. A time to celebrate with your lover or commiserate with your friends. But where has this tradition of romance spurned from. Why are we compelled to buy flowers, chocolates to appease our partners. People believe it came with Chaucer's poem "A Parlament of Foules" in which he wrote.

"For this was on seynt Volantynys day,
Whan euery bryd comyth there to chese his make"
"For this was Saint Valentine's Day,
When every bird cometh there to choose his mate"

So from that point on we were doomed. The consumerist had won. But on the plus side, many beautiful romantic poems were created. My favourite is "Say Cheese" by Patrick Winstanley.

"Gorgonzola, Cambozola, Happy snappers, Sandwich wrappers.
Parmesan, Vacherin, Week old socks, Smelly cocks.
All these, Say cheese"

Beautiful, it brings tears to ones eyes. Cheese has often been linked to romance and in this advertisement for Amul cheese slices, it shows that courage and cheese slices can lead to great romantic feats.

So for all you lonely hearts out there grab a cheese slice and take that gamble....

Day seventyfive....

2010-02-13T11:17:00.000-08:00

Saturday Night

It's the weekend. Time to get on the dancing shoes. Get that fresh from the wash, crisp Ben Sherman shirt on your back. A couple of splashes of Old Navy and you are set. Off for a dance into the hippest cosmopolitan bar you can find.

But yes as this animation shows, there are hidden pit falls. This story represents the modern youths of today Saturday night out. Everyone goes out with starry eyed optimism. Maybe they'll meet the one they love, maybe they just have a good time. They dance the night away and then overcome the dangers and finally they are about to take that girl home then....

So stay in and listen to other peoples japes instead...

Day seventyfour...

2010-02-12T06:55:00.000-08:00

What You Looking At?

In every aspect of modern life their is fear. The media breeds it. Everything gives you cancer, the world is getting hotter, and cheese is getting tougher. Turophobia is rife. That is the fear of cheese. I am more a turophilliac. Even so in 2007 the government set up the Cheese Enforcement Agency, the CEA if you will. This website breaks the cheese down into different classes and helps us identify what cheeses we can or cannot own, eat or trade.

http://www.jasperfforde.com/specops/cheeselegality.html

Some of the legal jargon on this site can be quite tough to understand so here is a hand chart you can stick up on your wall.

For some reason the tough cheeses are depicted by a lumberjack, but is the lumberjack really the vision of the tough man?

But please take note do not be afraid. How to deal with fear? Laugh at it. Today's post has been in the vein of Orange Juice song "Poor Old Soul part2". Thank you and goodnight.

"His tongue tucked firmly in his cheek"

Day seventythree....

2010-02-11T11:58:00.000-08:00

Bang Bang He Shot Me Down

"I was blown up whilst we were eating cheese."

This quote is taken from Ernest Hemingway's semi-autobiographical novel A Farewell To Arms. It is the main character, Fredrick Henry's, response to an orderly in the hospital asking what heroic act he had committed to result in him being sent to hospital. But Henry is more humble and would rather be honest and say he was enjoying cheese than to make up an heroic act. But he is truly the hero as he goes looking for others wounded.

"I was after him, holding the cheese, its smooth surface covered with brick dust.”

Beautiful stuff. It is a very tragic book, but at the same time it is very sensual, as Hemingway seems to connect near death experience, with the characters appreciations of the finer things in life, such as wine and cheese.

But enough beauty. I should be concentrating on the explosions, the heroism, the edge of your seat stuff. This isn't WW1 now. How do we juxtapose such things these days?

http://onthebutton.wordpress.com/2010/01/14/kraft-naming-rights-texas-stadium/

That right we buy the naming rights of a demolition of an American football stadium. Texas Stadium to be precise. Not only are they sponsoring the demolition, they are running a competition to who can press the button.

http://kraft.promotions.com/mncexplosion/splash.do

Some may see this as crass advertising. But we are not elitist and cynical here. Embrace it. What a perfect combination. Releasing a cheese aptly named "cheddar explosion" then buying the rights to a high profile demolition. This is modern day Hemingway writing but in real life. We should be celebrating a company that has developed from this....

To the second largest food and drinks company in the world. So all you bitter Cadburys supporters, do not fret about your new owners. Its time to look to the future.....

Day seventytwo....

2010-02-10T11:47:00.000-08:00

Tiviski Into Action

What do you envisage when you think of the northern African country of Mauritania? The beautiful Moorish music. Music made by the ethnic group the Moors not music that you want more of.

But that's not what I am looking for. Fat women? Well yes it is famous for its portly ladies as they see obesity as a sign of wealth and therefore more attractive to the males. Men would drool at the sight of stretch marks and fat ankles. They even have "fat farms" were young girls as young as 7 are sent to fatten up. But it is now losing this quirk as it is seen as old fashioned and now only 11% of young girls are force fed. But that's not what I am here to discuss.

One of the foods used to plump up the Mauritanian mistresses was camel milk. It has a very high fat content. And well where there is milk, cheese often follows.

The camel cheese is called Caravane and is a soft briesque cheese that has an 'animal' taste. Some liken it to goats cheese, but those are the people who liken every meat to chicken. It was invented by a Miss Nancy Abeiderrahmane. She started a dairy in 1989 called Tiviski and the nomads would bring their camels to her for milking. However quite often her supply would be greater than the demand and she went about looking for other ways to preserve excess milk. This is quite similar reasoning to how sheep and goats milk cheese evolved. Unfortunately camels milk doesn't have the proteins need to curdle the milk. This did not stop Nancy and she found a Frenchman who discovered an enzyme that helped the curdling and in 1994 the first camel cheese was produced.

A lovely tale that conjures up images of a bygone world. A nomadic existence. Moving on from place to place unable to settle. Like the scene of Lawrence of Arabia, dust, sand, camels, and beautiful young crews.

Day seventyone...

2010-02-09T12:15:00.000-08:00

Cheesart (Part Duex)

This is one of Vincent van Gogh final paintings. A Dutch post-expressionist painter from Zundert. A troubled man, he struggled for most of his life with mental illness and anxiety and his art was never appreciated until years after his early death at the age of 37. I can only feel sorry for his empty life, his painting never enjoyed and neither was one of his most excellent works. His use of light perfect, choice of subject immaculate and of course it tastes great...

This is part of a group of cheeses being produced by K. H. DeJong Cheese. Including other Dutch masters such as Rembrandt and Mondrian.

http://www.fromartharie.com/products/khdejong.html

But all this publicity screams of desperation and uncoolness from these flailing artists. None were as cool as Pablo Diego José Francisco de Paula Juan Nepomuceno María de los Remedios Cipriano de la Santísima Trinidad Ruiz y Picasso. Or as his close friends would tend to call him Pablo Picasso. He made them look like assholes....

"Some people try to pick up girls and get called assholes. This never happened to Pablo Picasso."

Day seventy.....

2010-02-08T12:30:00.000-08:00

Superbowl Sunday

"If its the ultimate game, how come they are playing it again next year?"

Duane Thomas. Running back for the Dallas Cowboys in the early 70s. He won the Super Bowl that year and 39 years after the ultimate game it is still running. Last night saw the New Orleans Saints beat the Indianapolis Colts 31-17, in the glorious surrounding of the Sun Life Stadium Miami.

A magnificent feat of human construction. But its just not mouth watering enough for me.

A stadium fit for a clash of the titans. The only stadium in which the cheap seats are in fact the better. Mmmmm a cheese slice trim. The only other cheese that I would consider to park my touche down upon would be....

Day sixtynine....

2010-02-07T13:33:00.000-08:00

J'aime le fromage

Sex sells. Nothing startling about that comment. It has done so since the dawn of advertising. And many a time it has been the catalyst for a sales boom. For instance W. Duke and Sons inserted risque playing cards into packs of cigarettes in 1885 and by 1890 they were the leading cigarette brand.

Look at those beauties. Bada bing. If the nicotine didn't bring you back for more those pictured harlequins would have you counting your nickles and dimes on the counter. So 120years on from those primitive advertising techniques how are our modern ad men promoting new brands? Years of education and research, looking at brand centric measures to push their products. Public relations and psychological profiles help the retailers find out what their consumers want. Lets see these new techniques in action.

Nothing ever changes. With names such as Roxane Cantale, Adele Pont L'eveque, Juliette Comte, Geraldine Gruyere and Barbara Munster these lovely ladies are the cheese lovers equivalent of Keeley Hazel and Lucy Pinder. Roll up, roll up get your back issues here.

http://www.fromages-de-terroirs.com/commande_en.php

Who needs a 2008 calender? Such a sexy calender, French with a twist of the American, its making me feel all loved up. Je T'aime.

Day sixtyeight.....

2010-02-06T10:23:00.000-08:00

BORRRRRIIINGGGGGG

"I'm bored. I'm the chairman of the board."

We are the media generation. Ipods, wireless Internet, digital television and electronic notepads, now we shall never be bored ever again. The average person watches 4hrs of TV a day. But who does that survey? I have never been asked. Have you? Be suspicious. With shows like "How to Look 400 Years Younger", "Pervs Fashion Fix" and "Sob Stories with Singing" our Saturday nights will forever be a roller coaster experience. Want something a bit more soothing? Well flick on cheddarvision.tv

A 12 month maturation of a West Country Farmhouse Cheddar. They've done it again. They were the company who sent the cheese to space, now trying to celebritise it again. Who do they think they are, an ex Brit pop bassist, turned failed opera singer? Me, I think its about as exciting as watching paint dry.... EXTREME PAINT DRYING

Day sixtyseven....

2010-02-05T17:02:00.001-08:00

Rome Wasn't Built In A Day

Rome wasn't built in a day. In fact as we see buildings rise and fall from the Roma skyline, you could argue that Rome still has not been built. But is any city ever complete? If a city stops building then already it is seen as moving backwards. Even the city of Bath with its rigid building control, only allowing buildings to be built in limestone, keeps springing up new surprises all the time. The original phrase originates from an old French proverb which features in the 1190 best seller 'Li Proverbe Au Vilan'.

It was then translated into English by Richard Taverner. Most famous for his bible translations. But while being one of the more widely read translations, I think it pales next to Scott Walkers translations of a Jacque Brel song, Mathilde.

But that was the French waxing lyrical about the improbability of completing a task that is too big to be accomplished quickly. Here in the these isles we call Great Britain and Northern Ireland we like to do things a lot quicker. Well most things as long as its not a petty matter. So although Rome might not have been built in a day, Cardiff was....

Shortly after he then made chippy lane, the Bay and Cowbridge Road. Rhufain was mo adeiladedig mewn ddiwrnod. Arddun, arddun, ARDDUN!

Day sixtysix....

2010-02-04T09:48:00.000-08:00

Space Man

Space. A vast vacuum of infinite size. It has been a mystery to man for aeons. Is there life out there. Ever since NASA was founded back in July 1958 it has had government funding of a total of $416 billion. There have been monkeys, dogs, salmonella, sea urchins and even Scotty from Star Trek ashes have all been sent into space. But now its time for the final frontier.

"The Earth is the cradle of humanity, but mankind cannot stay in the cradle forever."

And it is the same for cheese. But people experimenting really should think these ideas through.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/wiltshire/8171619.stm

Back on day 2 I talked about half a tonne of cheese being dropped to the bottom of the sea to mature. It was lost and never seen again. And now this is the latest cheese to travel miles and never return. But I have another theory.

But alas 24hrs later the cheese was recovered. The cheddarnaut had been handed into the police after coming down in someones garden. A gift from the Gods.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/somerset/8175347.stm

I'm sure this was the soundtrack ringing around when that small block of mature cheddar from the West Country Cheesemakers began to rise. The troposphere, the stratosphere, the mesophere, the thermosphere, that cheese was out of here. Beautiful, beautiful BEAUTIFUL.

Day sixtyfive.....

2010-02-03T07:52:00.000-08:00

The Kids

This is the kind of things that pop into my head when people start mentioning children to me. So I find it strange that I have something in common with these ankle biters. Our wonderment for not only eating cheese but the making of it.

Like a young Tom Ferguson from western Cork this youngster is destined for the stars. Cheese made for children is designed to be playful and juvenile which is understandable. But for some reason a lot of the cheese is processed and dummed down, such as these.

Mmmmmmm, imitation pasteurized process cheese food. Yum yum. That's enough to drool a pint. But why must we process the cheese for them. They drink full fat milk. Cheese is seen as a complete nutritional food. With calcium and protein key for a child's growth. In Italy a raw milk Parmigiano Reggiano is the first solid that passes a new born baby's mouth, and is used to help children with colic. They are taking our children away...

Day sixtyfour....

2010-02-02T11:43:00.001-08:00

The American Dream

February 2nd. The 2nd day of February. February is now 2 days old. Only 26days until March. The 33rd day of 2010. Groundhog day. Nothing smells more like a central American apple pie on a windowsill than Groundhog day.

It is a sign of spring. If the groundhog emerges from his burrow and doesn't retreat back inside then low and behold spring will have sprung. However if he retreats away from the harsh winter ways then we will have to wait another 6weeks until we can start our spring cleaning. But can we truly leave the changing of seasons to this?

But believe it or not these creatures are now key into teaching people about diabetes and obesity.

http://www.news.colostate.edu/Release/2710

But I think this guy has said "To hell with you blood sugar levels" and thrown away the worries of his life and turned to the can.

Easy cheese. Because slicing a block eats into precious time. There are stocks to buy, the true America to find, presidents to emboss onto cheese.

Is there such a thing now as the American dream. Throughout the 70s Hunter S. Thompson was in search of the death of the American dream, but to me Of Mice and Men sums up the ever illusive dream. Lenny's words so simple but frustratingly not so.

"We could live offa the fatta the lan'."

Day sixtythree.....

2010-02-01T10:52:00.000-08:00

The Death of A Cheeseman

"I am not a dime a dozen! I am Willy Lowman, and you are Biff Lowman."

This is old man Lowman and his delusion of grandeur from the play Death of a Salesman by the above pictured Arthur Miller. Willy Lowman couldn't come to terms with the fact that all his years of hard work, flights, meeting, appointments have came to nothing. He thought that by being nice he could get somewhere in life, and that he was teaching his kids the right morals, but it all falls to pieces on him. A tragic story. He should have maybe acknowledged he was wrong and he could no longer have what he loved and to commemorate this maybe with a tattoo? Like this guy...

This is Kyle Divine getting a divine tattoo of cheese. An accident at work left him with a 19 inch section of small intestine removed and this caused him to become lactose intolerant. I think there may have been a bit more damage done than meets the eye. He is a member of band Dusty Rhodes and the Riverband. So as a memorial to him on www.onemanandhischeese.blogspot.com, this is a song by the fitting title of Street Fighter. Say goodbye to the celtic tattoo, goodbye to the tribal tattoo, goodbye to the biker tattoo, because 2010 is going to be the decade of the cheese tattoo...

Day sixtytwo....

2010-01-31T08:31:00.000-08:00

You Gotta Fight For Your Right To Camembert

"You gotta fight for your right to party"

I sure a lot of you will be familiar with Mike D, MCA and Ad-Rock. The trio that make Beastie Boys. And of course this is one of their most famous tunes. Since 1986 we have being fighting for our right to party. But there is a battle that has been raging in the north of France for many more years. I present you Camembert.

This is a effortless classy cheese. Even before Camembert de Normandie had been given the AOC (a list of regulations that must be adhered to for the cheese to be legally called Camembert de Normandie) it was one of the worlds most copied cheeses. The battle rages in Normandy about the traditional production methods of Camembert. France, whose name is synonymous with cheese are claiming that there are dangers with cheese made from raw milk. But as long as it is regulated correctly there is no problem. The traditionalists argue that it is about money and the large creameries can sell a pasteurised Camembert for the same price with lower margins just because the name. Personally I would stick to the raw milk, so much more romance, what a beautiful way to go. Two lovers and a slab of Camembert. And as I am sure I have quoted before and I will do again.

"To die by your side. Oh the passion the privilege is mine"

(Incase you didnt notice, watch from the beginning and look for the name of the song. Whats in a name?)

Day sixtyone....

2010-01-30T11:37:00.000-08:00

Beautiful, Beautiful, BEAUTIFUL

After a long 50hr week the tolls of the professional cheesemonger/layabout can start to show. Many a time people have been known to pass remarks on how worn down I look. Strange. It had been starting to get me down a bit so I thought time for a change. Gone are the days of not respecting this fine o mine. So off to the V05 factory I went. And soon returned thinking.

"Flip me what suckas gonna pay £29.95 fo dis."

So in the age of alternative medicines I began to look around. And then I found this...

This is just a visual representation of what I found. Here is the article.

http://www.marieclaire.co.uk/news/health/440544/cheese-that-gives-you-flawless-skin.html

So basically mix cheese, specifically Wensleydale, with some milk and apply to your face. Add cucumbers to the eyes for added effect. Then boil some pasta and tip your face and not only do you look younger and more refreshed. Dinner is served. Bon appetite.

Day sixty.....

2010-01-29T11:07:00.000-08:00

Bang Bang!

In a small farm in Dymock, Gloucestershire a cheese is made. This cheese is called Stinking Bishop. Stinking by name and nature alike. It gets the rancid odor from being washed in perry during the riping process. What is this perry?

Well not exactly. But it is made from fermented Stinking Bishop pears, in a similar way to scrumpy is from apples. No wonder it smells so vile. It is likened to the French Epposises cheese that is banned on french public transport. But the name "Stinking" actually has nothing to do with the smell of the cheese nor the fermented pear. It comes from one of the breeders of the Moorecroft pear Mr. Bishop. He was an angry man with a fiery temperament. Much like another famous cider maker....

Bean. Of the famous trio, Boggis, Bunce and Bean. He was a wily cider maker from the Roald Dahl novel The Fantastic Mr Fox. Maybe its the fermented fruit that drives these men to angry ways. One of the most famous stories about the ugly temperament of Mr Bishop was that he was frustrated at his kettles lack of pace of heating the water and in retaliation he shot it. Imagine the scene....

Day fiftynine....

2010-01-28T12:05:00.000-08:00

The House That Cheese Built

Or more to the point the house covered in cheese. Cosimo Cavallaro.

Look at him. A Che type freedom fighter. He will not be oppressed in this modern day society. So lets all join him as he breaks free from the shackles of this modern life. And how does he mess with the system? Well just like anyone else he throws food around houses.

This is a room covered in ketchup or is it cat sup?

But this is only his entree. For the main he has served us up this...

"La Casa di Formaggio"

This was just an ordinary house in suburban America. Using 10,000 of spray on cheddar it is covered inside and out. Genius. If your bread falls on the floor now, you don't shout the obscenities of the day, you just pick it up and umm, cheese on toast. A unique mind. Reminds me of another famous Cosimo.... Cosimo Kramer!

Day fiftyeight....

2010-01-27T11:23:00.000-08:00

Drop It Like Its Hot

One of the most contentious points that is causing raging debates amongst modern day cheese connoisseurs is the wrapping of cheese. There are no hard and fast rules for wrapping your cheese. But what is best for your cheese? Well there are two main options:

In the red corner weighing very little, born in a lab, its the undefeated world champion.... Cling film. Cling film or plastic wrap as it is also known was originally made from PVC and invented accidentally by a scientist trying to create a hard plastic covering for his car. Cling film is great for sustaining the life of your cheese, however some say it transfers a taste of plastic and can create a layer of sweat on the cheese.

And in the blue corner, weighing in at very little, hailing from the US of A, contender..... Wax paper. Wax paper was invented by a little known Thomas Edison. It is paper that is made moisture proof by the application of wax. Quite self explanatory. It is fast becoming as popular as cling in delicatessens as it is believed to let the cheese breathe. However it the cheese will not keep as fresh as it is not air tight.

So both have their pros and cons. And I know what your thinking, Stop sitting on the fence and tell us Mr.onemanandhischeese what is your preference. Well my friends there is only one way I like to wrap cheese....

Day fiftyseven....

2010-01-26T11:27:00.000-08:00

Leave It Alone

I recently opened my fridge door to find...

"Eggs and garlic, the cheese and tomatoes, the milk and the beer"

Just like the song. These things are staples in my fridge. By staples I mean the only things. But I am not alone. According to the Information Resources Inc. cheese is the 6th most bought product in supermarkets. I am suspicous of the salty snacks.

This chart tells us a lot about modern day society. Mainly we get drunk, then have breakfast. So I am not alone and now I have a chart and a large market research company behind me. Throw off the veil of your wholesome, healthy lives and have a beer/ale/hard cider, light up a feg, natural cheese on fresh bread and rolls for dinner, wash your teeth with a carbonated beverage and sleep safe knowing you are not alone.

Day fiftysix.....

2010-01-25T11:18:00.000-08:00

The Midnight Chip

Its just struck midnight. The clubs are spilling out onto the street. The girl who you have been lusting after all night slyly glances over her shoulder as she slips on that red jacket and heads for the door. As you advance towards the exit thinking of drivel will leave your mouth as you try to muster some courage to speak to her, the brute in his bovver boots steps in your way. What do you do. Sing it Wild Beasts...

"But… I only winded that lad before he bolted.
And… I only fumbled that lass, besides, I was revolted.
So for forgiveness,
with me boyz as witness,
Take these chips with cheese,
as an offering of peace."

How could we get through the maze of a hazy Saturday night without them. We need to stay out that extra hour just case we whiff a party, or the girl of your dreams is in distress. What better excuse. The chip with cheese. Everyones favourite. Cheap as... chips.

Even add some gravy if your are feeling in a victorious mood. But are you feed up of being limited to only having this delicacy when the sun in coming up on the 7th day? Well then my fiends its is time to set sail for Quebec. This is one of their staple meals. It goes by the name poutine. So jump on the next coffin ship and become a wild beast.

Day fiftyfive....

2010-01-24T14:20:00.000-08:00

Smells Like Teen Spirit

A French man complaining of the stench of a cheese? It must have came from Liverpool.

NO CHEESE. Cheese, like oil, makes too much of itself. It wants the whole boat to itself. It goes through the hamper, and gives a cheesy flavour to everything else there. You can’t tell whether you are eating apple-pie or German sausage, or strawberries and cream. It all seems cheese. There is too much odour about cheese.
I remember a friend of mine, buying a couple of cheeses at Liverpool. Splendid cheeses they were, ripe and mellow, and with a two hundred horse-power scent about them that might have been warranted to carry three miles, and knock a man over at two hundred yards. I was in Liverpool at the time, and my friend said that if I didn’t mind he would get me to take them back with me to London, as he should not be coming up for a day or two himself, and he did not think the cheeses ought to be kept much longer.

“Oh, with pleasure, dear boy,” I replied, “with pleasure.”

I called for the cheeses, and took them away in a cab. It was a ramshackle affair, dragged along by a knock-kneed, broken-winded somnambulist, which his owner, in a moment of enthusiasm, during conversation, referred to as a horse. I put the cheeses on the top, and we started off at a shamble that would have done credit to the swiftest steam-roller ever built, and all went merry as a funeral bell, until we turned the corner. There, the wind carried a whiff from the cheeses full on to our steed. It woke him up, and, with a snort of terror, he dashed off at three miles an hour. The wind still blew in his direction, and before we reached the end of the street he was laying himself out at the rate of nearly four miles an hour, leaving the cripples and stout old ladies simply nowhere.

The excerpt above comes from the beautiful Jerome K. Jermone book There Men in a Boat. As I lay in bed this morning watching the sky pass over head through my sky light, I was rudely awakened by a certain fiend of mine. She is quite the shy lady so I shall not reveal her identity. For the remainder of this entry I shall refer to here a G Cartin, no, no Gemma C. We she sent a text across the wave lengths "Chapter 4, cheese blog innit". These words inspired me and as I lay watching the clouds pass along thy window it felt as if i was on the boat with George, Montmorency, and William Samuel Harris. Ahhh sunday mornings....

Day fiftyfour....

2010-01-23T11:39:00.000-08:00

To Die By Your Side

Oh the passion, the privilege is mine. Many people have died pursuing their joys of life. Steve Irwin, Timmoy Treadwell both passed to the other side amongst animals they loved. They loved them enough to die protecting or investigating them. Is anything worth dying young for?

So can love conquer all? Was the mouse curious, or courageous? One thing was he didn't have a fear of life. Maybe its cheese that will conquer all. I am not of the same mentality as the mouse, I subscribe to this:

"I want to die in my sleep like my dad... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car"

Day fiftythree....

2010-01-22T12:40:00.000-08:00

Love Is In The Air

"Love is in the air, everywhere I look around."

Its love week this week on www.hundreddays.net. And I love cheese. I loooooove cheese. No I don't think you understand I looove cheese. Not just to eat I am in love with cheese. I love it deeply and completely. Sing it Rod.

Godminster cheese hearts. Godminster is a dairy from Somerset that produces a vintage, organic cheddar and other delights. But I think those clever teet squeezers over there are on to something. Maybe just the purple hearts above weren't enough to woo the lady of their dreams. So the boffins in the lab have came up with this.

Wodka!! Game, shot and the match. Look at what happens with just purple hearts.....

Day fiftytwo...

2010-01-21T06:14:00.000-08:00

The Most Dangerous Cheese (Part ii)

"The early bird gets the worm, the second mouse gets the cheese"

An adaption of a famous saying by young whipper snapper Eddie Monteiro. Eddie was an accordion player, a prompt accordion player at that. But I wonder if he ever thought, what type of cheese was in the trap. Because if it was to be this cheese I am about to introduce to you then I don't think even the second mouse, who according to Eddie, isn't bothered about the dead disfigured body of his fellow mouse trapped under that steel wire, would go for it.

I give you Casu Marzu...

Yes maggot cheese. Casu Marzu translates as "rotten cheese". And you can see why. It is originally a beautiful Pecorino, but for some reason those crazy Sardinians, leave it outside to let it ferment. As the maggots eat the cheese their digestive systems break down the cheeses fat and turns it into this soft mush filled with maggots.

The cheese is seen as toxic when the maggots die, this is why you eat it maggot and all. But watch out, white maggots can jump. Up to 6in, so it is advised to cover your face when eating.

So you have avoided the poison, escaped being blinded so why eat this cheese? Well what do you know it is seen as an aphrodisiac by the local Sardinians. And possibly by no one else.

Tonight I would like to sing you out with a song that reminds me of cheese, Christmas and now worms. Sing along if you know the words....

Day fiftyone.....

2010-01-20T10:49:00.000-08:00

Take Time To Smell The Roses

"Moe, Larry, the cheese. Moe, Larry, the cheese. Mmmm Limburger."

Curly's temporary insanity is cured a Dutch cheese that goes by the name of Limburger. Not one of the more traditional methods of treatment for this lunacy. Limburger is one of the most potent of cheeses. It is fermented by the bacteria brevibacterium linens. This same bacteria can be found on all you disgusting people. Yes it is responsible for the phenomenon BO.

A study in 2006 found that it was this odor that attracts mosquitoes to us rancid humans. So the scientists jumped on the boat and set sail for the continent of Africa, with crates of Limburger. And it is now placed in several strategic positions around Africa to help combat the spread of Malaria, by attracting the mosquitoes. Madness eh?

Day fifty....

2010-01-19T15:26:00.000-08:00

"Whoa, We Are Half Way There"

As some irrelevant person may have sung at sung time, whilst sporting a unnecessarily flamboyant haircut, I am now half way to one hundred days of cheese. Its been a joy. From the ridiculous to the sublime.

Cheese is such a diverse critter. But it is so diverse that it can be spread across many food groups? Here is the basic food triangle that haunts us from youth. We tried to flip it upside down. But the Egyptians didn't make it like this for fun.

Yeah its got the dairy section well wrapped up. But can it conquer the great leap and slide across into the meat section? There are many expects who believe it can, and one idiot.

"Tommy had many dreams. He dreamt of a zoo that could fit inside a key."

So as i leave tonight it is I that has become the dreamer. 50days gone 50days to go.

"We all dream, but do we really dream?"

Day fourtynine.....

2010-01-18T12:12:00.000-08:00

Sex, Drugs and Cashel Blue (Part ii)

"Roquefort should be eaten on one's knees"

A great quote from the "father of the table" Grimod de la Reyniere. As a child he was born with deformed hands and consequently his famous father hid his boy away from public visits to their estate. This helped develop his wit and strange sense of humour in 18th century. One of the first food critiques he was a fan of mixing his love for classical music and woman, comparing each to food.

But blue cheese has been seen as a type of glutenous aphrodisiac for many a year. Even the second greatest lover of all time Casanova would often nag on about how Roquefort washed down with a healthy glug of Chambertin was the best way to arise passions. However maybe the cheat used a bit more of the Chambertin. But nonetheless it seems a good bit of blue leads to a good bit of blue. So patrons of onemanandhischeese.blogspot.com i urge you.... GO BLUE!!!

Day fourtyeight....

2010-01-17T11:35:00.000-08:00

Is There Anybody There?

The dulcet tones of Mark E. Smith. Pyskick Dancehall. ESP medium discord, monsters on the roof, but no cheese. But one of his not so famous quotes is...

"Blue cheese contains natural amphetamines, why are students not informed about this?"

So does eating a lot of this...

Equal this...

There is a similar natural chemical in blue cheese that is present in amphetamines, however it is also in a lot of other prescription drugs and the amount is negligible. Speed is to blue cheese, what cyanide is to apple pips. Drugs are for mugs. Stay in school kids.

Day fourtyseven.....

2010-01-16T11:17:00.000-08:00

Cheesy Moon

"They're about to poke their genitals into our cream cheese moon right moon right now. That's my eye, the moon is part of me. Why don't they poke it in the sun? They're not very daring."

Mr C Beefheart. A poet, visionary, a drunk. Perfect combination.

But where did the notion of the moon being made out of cheese originate from. And what cheese would it be? This evidence leads me to think a nice cream cheese.

But enough of all this frivolousness. The real reason is due to English writer John Heywood. In a collection of his proverbs he penned.

"The moon is made from greene cheese"

Greene being unaged, such as a cream cheese. It was unknown if he was being serious or just indulging in ridiculousness but it stuck. For all you people dubious of the Apollo moon landings and believe of the possibility of a cheesy moon here is a site for you to help you make your mind up.

http://www.google.com/moon/

Day fourtysix.....

2010-01-15T10:31:00.000-08:00

Paradiso

In this cold, winter months sometimes life can just get tough. It becomes hard even to imagine what luxuries we could be enjoying as we trudge through everyday life battling rain, ice, wind and snow. But what if we could escape to some paradise.

This painting by Jan Bruelghal the Younger is not too far away. Our imagination is a great thing, but what is even greater is Seinfeld. So when feeling down and out try and subscribe to the mind of George Costanza. The man who brought us ideologies as doing the opposite of any impulse you have has got the key to mid winter depression. Watch from 5m40s.

"I was free and clear. I was living the dream. I was stripped to the waist eating a block of cheese the size of a car battery."

So go grab life by the udders and get some cheese. Any cheese, quantity over quality get the halogen heater on the lights out and live the dream.

Day fourtyfive.....

2010-01-14T12:58:00.000-08:00

Return of the Mac

"I travel not to go anywhere, but to go. I travel for travels sake. The great affair is to move"

Not my words, although I have been known to mutter such, but the words of Robert Louis Stevenson. Now fresh from my return from Berlin it is about time I shared with you one of foreign lands best kept secrets. Catherine of Braganza brought us tea, Columbus brought us cotton, but now my friends I too am an explorer. One night as I battled through the snow, on the horizon I saw a beacon. Golden in the distance it lured me in. Who know what I was to uncover....Kasegipfel. Roughly translated it means summit cheese. Deep fried breaded brie from McDonalds. Mcbrie. And to accompany it, preislbeer dip or strawberry coulis.

Who thought a product from such humble beginnings would lead the food revolution. Gourmet food at its finest.

Day thirtyeight....

2010-01-07T10:24:00.000-08:00

Breaking News

As I´m sure everyone back home will have probably read or heard in the news of the latest scandal to hit, so I thought it was vital that I communicate durring my leave of absince. It´s too important. So hear is the updated reports for all parties concerned...

http://www.reuters.com/news/video?videoId=85901

"I´ll make him an offer he can´t refuse"

http://www.flex-news-food.com/pages/17580/Cheese/Dairy/Germany/german-police-raid-factory-rotting-cheese-probe.html

Auf wiedersehen.

Day thirtysix.....

2010-01-05T15:00:00.000-08:00

A Farewell to Cheese

"I ate the end of my piece of cheese and took a swallow of wine. Through the other noise I heard a cough, then came the chuh-chuh-chuh-chuh- then there was a flash, as when a blast-furnace door is swung open, and a roar that started white and went red and on and on in a rushing wind."

This is how I feel as I may have come to an unexpected road bump on the way to one hundred days. Setting the alarm for 6am, keys, yep, phone, yep, hot red head, yep, euros, hmmm, passport ahhhh. Yes I am leaving this cosy keyboard and venturing out into the wild. Well Berlin. I am not saying goodbye. Just farewell for now. Don't be down hearted. Wipe away those salty tears. I shall leave you for now with a video inspired by Alex James' (of standing posing Blur fame) blue cheese. Blue Monday.

Day thirtyfive....

2010-01-04T13:58:00.000-08:00

Soup de Jour

Mulligatawny, gumbo, bouillabaisse, lobster bisk, Cullen skink, chowder, gazpacho, Japanese miso. Just some of the worlds finest soups. Usually served as the opening note of a feast or as a lunch it's light, hearty almost comforting. But for me I was getting bored of the usual chicken, vegetable, carrot and coriander soup. So I pulled a tin of beer from the fridge and got my thinking cap on. And then it hit me, why not combine my two favourite things. Cheese et beer. Beautiful, beautiful, BEAUTIFUL!!!

Beer and Cheese Soup

http://www.lanierbb.com/recipes/data/2182.html

So this.....
Plus this...

Equals this....
"NO SOUP FOR YOU!!"

Day thirtyfour....

2010-01-03T13:37:00.000-08:00

Cheese eating surrender monkeys

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times…"

Why can America and France not seem to get along? Even this off the cuff whip from a cartoon became a catchphrase frequently used by republican politicians and publications. There are many reasons that Le French and the US of Whatever don't get on, mainly starting from the ZYX Affair in which the French demanded a $12million loan and lead to a navy war called the Quasi war in which many American ships where seized. Also as seen on day 30, Le French aren't big fans of a certain American fast food outlet, and with the French not showing full support for the Iraq War there are endless lists of why they cant just get on. Maybe its an ego thing with both nations believing that the are "universal nations" and look down their noses at nations who don't live with either the American capitalist ways or the existentialistic French.

But is being a cheese eating surrender monkey such a bad thing? All i know is i would prefer this...

Than this..

A victory to cheese. I bid you adieu

Day thirtythree....

2010-01-02T11:07:00.000-08:00

Reclaim the streets

In the summer of 2008 I met this man;

He went by the name Ratty, he was a king amongst hippies. During the long, hot day drinking cider in dirt he talked a lot of wisdom. Was he the the second coming? Or was there just too much scrumpy supped, but one thing that stuck with me the following day and too this day was his rambling about this movement....

http://reclaimtheswastika.com/

Amongst all the craziness of WWII and surrounding political landscapes, the swastika became an iconic Nazi symbol, and now as a result is banned from use in many countries. However before this the swastika was an ancient symbol. Used by Hindus and Buddhists and even Coca-Colaists.

But what has this got to do with cheese? Well There is now a cheese company Reclaiming the swastika. The Mozzarella Co. has created a new cheese. Christmas Cheese. And its packaging?

Last time I saw the hippy Ratty he said he was off for a more simple life in Texas somewhere...?

Day thirtytwo.....

2010-01-01T11:55:00.000-08:00

32nd of December

“The object of a new year is not that we should have a new year. It is that we should have a new soul"

These the words of G K Chesterton. I have previously mentioned him before, on day five, he is that man who spoke of "The Neglect of Cheese in Literature". And now he is telling us that with a new year comes a new soul. I couldn't relate to this until I stumbled upon this add.

Gouda?! Gouda?! Gouda gracious. Surely only an add for perfume could bring such passion, intensity soul. But now new year, new add, new soul. The only thing with more soul. This released December 2008.

Beautiful, beautiful, BEAUTIFUL......

Day thirtyone....

2009-12-31T11:46:00.000-08:00

Have a bleu nue year

With two thousand and nine drawing to a close there are firework spectaculars all round the world. And with this being the cheese blog to end all cheese blogs I thought i would leave 2009 with two videos that combined should be all cheese lovers way to send in the year.

Works of fire. Combined with cheese. Beautiful, beautiful, BEAUTIFUL!!! See you next year.

Day thirty

2009-12-30T12:25:00.000-08:00

Long live the Resistance!!!

At the turn of last year a disgruntled Bush administration imposed a 300% import duty on Roquefort. The French were incensed. They were being treated unfairly, for the EU banning imported US hormone treated beef. But this is not the first time these bickering nations have fallen out over their precious delicacies.

Hormone treated meat, a delicacy? Well considering spores of the fungus Penicillium Roqueforti are used to help make Roquefort, why can meat not use hormones, which are artificial versions of some of our own natural hormones, to enhance its taste etc. Maybe if beef had a nice romantic story like Roquefort then maybe it may be more acceptable.

Not exactly a revolt of olden days but the French know how to breath out a stench. This is Che Guevara wannabe Jose Bove. He even has suitable accents over letters in his name, which is always important to the modern day revolutionist. This is after USA placed a complete ban on Roquefort in 1999, Jose Bove led his followers to a soon-to-be Ronald Mac emporium and dismantled the not completed building. Mcdonalds never recovered.

"You are what you eat, where you live and what you do. We are peasants and citizens, not shareholders, not servile slaves at the mercy of agribusiness."

"If you tremble indignation at every injustice then you are a comrade of mine."

Leaders of (Wo)Men

Day twentynine.....

2009-12-29T15:06:00.000-08:00

Cheesart

"If people knew how hard I worked to get my mastery, it wouldn't seem so wonderful at all."

A view that seems to be held by all the great Michaels. I wasn't the first to utter these words and I wont be the last. He may of had the statue of David, and all I have is this but these are nothing in comparison to these works of art.

http://www.womansday.com/Articles/Food/8-Cutting-Edge-Cheese-Sculptures.html

These sculptures contain strength, wrath and many more virtues of a powerful piece. I am now currently working on an Edam sculpture of the earth. It shall be red to encapture the angry of the world and highlight the dangers of global warming.

Work in progress....

Day twentyeight...

2009-12-28T10:44:00.000-08:00

Curds and Whey

"Cottage cheese, cottage cheese, it's the only cheese that's guaranteed to please"

A bold statement made by Mr Vic Reeves and Mr Bob Mortimer, but it is one of the most common types of cheese, as well it is the most common cheese people would produce themselves. It would have been made in small colonial American cottages, with the milk left over from butter making, and that is how it is believed to have got its name.

Cottage cheese is a curd cheese. This means as the curds and whey are separated, the whey is then drained off. But it is not pressed so doesn't harden like a cheddar and that's how cottage cheese gets its consistency.

Without knowledge most of us are aware of cottage cheese from a young ages as a certain miss Muffet was a big fan of cottage cheese. This contemporary piece shows her love of the curds. We are never too far from curds and whey.

Day twentyseven....

2009-12-27T11:21:00.000-08:00

Immortality

n. Endless life or existence, enduring fame. These according to thefreedictionary.com are the definitions of immortality. People for years have been debating whether achieving immortality can be physically achieved.

This is the only known organism that is physically that can claim to be immortal. The Turritopsis nutricula.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Turritopsis_nutricula

But this is not onemanandhisjellyfish.blogspot.com. Can cheese be immortal? Don't forget that cheese is, in its own way, alive. This rind of cheese being a mold is testament to this. But a different view on this come from one Clifton Fadiman.

"A cheese may disappoint. It may be dull, it may be naive, it may be over sophisticated. Yet it remains that cheese is milks, leap towards immortality."

Cheese is the fame, the statue, the legacy of the milk that will live on. The milk with its tragically short life has no hope only to be swilled down by the human. Not even in its full regular form. But semi-skimmed or even with its dreaded red, for danger cap, full skimmed milk. How it much weep at night. But in cheese, there is so much potential. Wars are fought over it, debates rage, even raw milk cheese is so edgy it is banned from being imported by the largest consumers of cheese. If this is not evidence of lasting fame, the fact it is now mentioned in these pages is proof that cheese is now immortal.

Day twentysix....

2009-12-26T01:40:00.000-08:00

Cheesey Chocolate

There have been many strange combinations in the past that people said would never catch on. The obvious one coming to mind is my Kay's, garlic bread.

"Garlic bread, it's the future, I've tasted it"

But now I definitly have seen the future. Chocolate cheese. I like chocolate, I like cheese put them together its got to be a winner. But it wasn't me who saw the future, it was an American band from New Hope, Pennsylvania called Ween.

But sweet cheese has been around for years. The Norwegians love the stuff. They have Gjetost, which is a goats milk cheese which is a dark brown almost fudge like appearance and does have a sweet caramel taste. They eat this for breakfast and I thought these Americans were strange.

This is the sausage McStuffin', or a sausage McMuffin with jelly donuts.

Day twentyfive...

2009-12-25T02:09:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas Everyone

"Snow is falling all around me, children playing having fun, it's the season, love and understanding, Merry Christmas everyone"

These the words of the Michael Barret, or as most of us hear in Northern Ireland know him, that guy who assaulted the photographer in the Tullyglass Hotel. He is in fact Shakin' Stevens. And he is in fact up in Ballymena court on assault charges. He however is not the only famous man to have been up in front of the judge in Ballymena court. A certain famous writer has too. In retrospect though who would want to be photographed in the Tullyglass.

http://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/music/news/shakin-stevens-faces-assault-charge-1837559.html

But what the caganer has this got to do with cheese? Well with the festive season about to start I found myself humming the aforementioned song, but as I am one with cheese, changed the lyrics to;
"Cheese is falling all around us"

Ridiculous you say? Think again...

I defy you not to have this song embed in your mind for the whole 12days of Christmas. The words in English are actually quite touching and maybe some of you may relate to them as I do.

I was bored and quite depressed,
There was nothing to do, and nothing on TV
All of a sudden, everything changed,
I fell in love with his taste

PA PA PA PA PARMIGIANO
RE RE RE RE RE RE REGGIANO
PA PA PA PA PA PARMIGIANO
RE RE RE RE RE RE REGGIANO

I was bored and quite depressed,
There was nothing to do, and nothing on TV
All of a sudden, everything changed,
I fell in love with his taste

PA PA PA PA PARMIGIANO
RE RE RE RE RE RE REGGIANO
PA PA PA PA PA PARMIGIANO
RE RE RE RE RE RE REGGIANO

I was bored and quite depressed,
There was nothing to do, and nothing on TV
All of a sudden, everything changed,
I fell in love with his taste

I am alone, and very sad
I need some company
I want a companion for my future
One that smells good, that’s for sure

PA PA PA PA PARMIGIANO
RE RE RE RE RE RE REGGIANO
PA PA PA PA PA PARMIGIANO
RE RE RE RE RE RE REGGIANO

Unexpected things come out of the blue
In this story, and this is the good bit,
I met someone brilliant
And he really is original.

PA PA PA PA PARMIGIANO
RE RE RE RE RE RE REGGIANO
PA PA PA PA PA PARMIGIANO
RE RE RE RE RE RE REGGIANO

Merry Christmas, may it be filled with love and cheese.

Day twentyfour.....

2009-12-24T12:07:00.000-08:00

Cheese eve

On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love sent to me twelve gold rings,
eleven gold rings,
ten gold rings,
nine gold rings,
eight gold rings,
seven gold rings,
six gold rings,
FIVE GOLD RINGS,
four gold rings,
three gold rings,
two gold rings,
and a perfectly ripened brie.
With it dawning onto Christmas day it made me remember this great song. But what are the 12 days of Christmas? It looks like everyone is in on something I am missing. For the past week we in Arcadia have being selling copious amounts of cheese. The old tradition of the 12 days must be returning. In the past the 12 days of Christmas were filled with merry making, dancing and continuous feasting. But due to work demands this shortened over time. The Christmas season used to last until the 2nd of February but the people wanted the peasants back to work so it was shortened and ended on the 12th night. And now it is shortened to almost just one or two days. How is one to ensure ones soft-ripened cheese is at its peak within these two days?

"Hast thou not poured me out as milk, and curdled me like cheese?"
Book of Job 10:10

With now such a short break a brief reminder of the less fortunate and a check on ones person is called for. We shouldn't look for excuses, or complain, or use the term "the good old days". Enjoy Christmas for its shall be another year until such an excuse to eat such an excessive amount of cheese will arrive. Merry Christmas.

Day twentythree....

2009-12-23T16:53:00.000-08:00

The allergy, the allergy, the allergy is the future.

Skin rash? Upset stomach? Swelling? Constipation? Itching? Anaphylaxsis? If these are your symptoms it could just be you are one of the few unlucky people who are allergic to cheese. This is hardcore stuff compare to those lucky lactose intolerant. They can snack upon some cheese as long as they are chugging some Lactaid. The difference being the allergy attacks the immune system whereas an intolerance works into the metabolism. I found this educationally video to explain.

Many peoples lives have been ruined by allergies so count yourself very lucky. Next time you chow on some gluten, or slug some lactose think of the peoples lives affected every days by thing you and me take for granted. This story is a bit blue so if your offended please leave me an angry message.

http://www.metro.co.uk/news/world/763143-wife-discovers-allergy-to-husbands-sperm-on-wedding-night

Excuse the obvious give away in the link. Its the work of metro, not myself.

Day twentytwo....

2009-12-22T15:30:00.000-08:00

Eseehc

After reeling through tens of jokes about cheese the eve prior, I passed over the most famous of all cheese jokes. What cheese is made backwards? Edam. How could I have left this beauty out, especially at a time of year when thousands will be reciting that joke from a cracker in 3 days time. Edam has over the years became the butt of many a joke, not only because of its handy name(which was actually given because of the harbour where it was sold the most) but because it has given up on itself. From the 14th to the 18th century Edam was one of the most popular cheeses in the world. It was a much harder, more robust cheese, which sailors would take to sea. Even tales of them being used as emergency bullets from the cannon. It's round shape was made using round wooden cheese forms, which were in turn used as helmets during riots. From this the Dutch got the endearing tear as cheese heads. Here is an example of some cheese heads.

Allan and Jenny Gray. Genius or lazy. They are the inventors of the Cornish Yarg. They came up with the idea of using a Caerphilly recipe but then covering it with the leaves of nettles. Also recently wild garlic is also used. So with such detail going into the cheese, was it lazy or a stroke of inspiration for the Grays just to reverse their surname and the Yarg was born.

A tribute to backwards cheese...

Day twentyone...

2009-12-21T17:42:00.000-08:00

It's Not Your Cheese

I am being accused of having no sense of humour and whit. They say this blog is too serious, to educational. There is no joy its just learn BOOM fact BOOM classic quote BOOM. So this evening I would like to relax with some fine fromage jokes I picked up from around the interweb. Get the needle and thread handy to sow up them sides;

Why did the cheese lose a fight with a stone? Because the Roquefort back. What do you call cheese from Israel? Cheeses of Nazareth. I used to work as a cheese monger, but I Camembert it any longer. And for my piece of resistance...

Day twenty....

2009-12-20T13:27:00.000-08:00

The Art of Cutting Cheese

From this......
To this....

But Parmesan Reggiano is a temperamental we bugger. So how can one portion up a cheese that is a brick on the outside and crumbly on the inside. Not unlike one of them there dime bars or armadillos. There is an art to this as the natural layers of the Reggiano should break away perfectly. Here is the perfect technique.

Beautiful, beautiful, BEAUTIFUL. Of course another classic method of cutting cheese is the old pull of the finger...

However the undertone of this advert is coarse, disguisting, unsocial. So i was glad to stumble across this educational game. Finally it is our time. Stand up cheesemongers of the world, for we are no longer staff, prolitariate, wage monkeys we are ARTISTS!

http://www.4kids.tv/games/play/cut-the-cheese

Day nineteen...

2009-12-19T12:00:00.000-08:00

The Creamery for You and Me

Most of the cheese that will pass through our mouths will be produced in a creamery. A creamery? A creamery? A creamery? Yes a creamery. A creamery is the gathering place of milk. They love it there. All this milk makes its way from the cows in many fields in a region to one wee factory. There just wouldn't be enough room in the factory you see. And then this happens...

This is the viewing area in a creamery. This being one of the most exciting moments in cheese making. The cutting of the curds. But such a flamboyant method to do something simple. Maybe as this is the viewing area they were under pressure to put on a show and maybe that's why in so many factories in the 80's they used to whizz the product around like it was coming off a newsreel. All this technology and it wouldn't look as impressive going in a straight line. Subject below is another example, albeit non cheese but great song nonetheless.

These are far removed from even some of the artisan cheeses being produced though out the world, but non can sure complete with the highest cheese factory in the world.

This cheese factory is on a plateau just before the GanJa-La Pass in the Himalayas and produces Yaks milk Cheese. A feast for belly and eyes.

Day eighteen....

2009-12-18T18:37:00.000-08:00

Smoked Cheese

One always wanders how do pairings come together? Fish and chips, lamb and mint, pork and apple, a burger and a pint for a fiver. I wander if this was the origins of the cheese so aptly named smoked.

Not this said incident, but I wander if Homer when casting his eye on the cheeses of the Greek mountain caves thought.

"I like cheese, but this feta just crumbles, its salty, and stereotypical of me as a Greek man to succumb to such stereotypes, how can i make it better? I know set it on fire,"
Or
"Fire, dum dum da, I take you to burn, dum dum da. Oh fire, dum dum da, I take you to learn, dum dum da, I'll see you burn."

The second one being the more likely quote for the epic poet.

Whilst smoked cheese is very big in Europe, with England, producing Smoked Apple wood, plus the Bavarian smoked from Austria and Germany, and not forgetting that the Swiss can smoke their Emmentaller, it doesn't seem to have had such wide spread appeal in Japan. This one girl just craves some answers. But in a world of hidden truths will she ever achieve smokey fromage bliss.

Day seventeen....

2009-12-17T15:27:00.001-08:00

Dreams of a Rarebit Fiend

Cheese on toast. Queso en tostada. Fromage sur le pain. Kase auf brot. сыр на хлебе. Whichever way put it is a classic combination. Be it a sharp cheddar, a nutty Jarlsberg or even a creamy chevre its something that just is. So how come the welsh are accredited the name. Well it is actually an insult. Even in 1725 they knew what irony was and could cut a nation down with it. The poor in England were associated with rabbit and the notoriously poor Welsh had cheese. Some believe this was the beginning. However Francis Grose thought otherwise and believed that rabbit was a corruption of rarebit and the public ate this up, like the Welsh did crumbs of cheese.

"A dictionary of buckish slang, university wit and pickpocket eloquence"

Many words used today originate from this publishing. Ginger people will not be big fans as this is the first noted use of the slang for them as carrots. Other gems include an apple dumpling shop, which is a Lady's bosom. And not forgetting the classic bum fodder or shit tickets as 21st century equivalent www.urbandictionary.com supplies. Grose would go on midnight walks through London's notorious drinking dens and add interesting slang to his "knowledge box". A tough life he lived but someone had to do it and I couldn't but maybe I'm just being "mealy-mouthed".

One of the only other uses of the word rarebit was in this comic strip made by Windsor McCay. A surreal comic that resolved itself by the protagonist Rarebit Fiend waking up and blaming his actions on a nightmare induced by cheese. Don't get me started McCay!!! (ref day 12)

Day sixteen....

2009-12-16T12:33:00.000-08:00

I Love Camembert.

Who doesn't? Spread on a cracker, melted on bread, baked in oven or bread crumbed and deep fried it doesn't matter just as long as it goes in my mouth, delectable! But I feel as though my love for this cheese just isn't enough. When we first met tastes, I yearned for it like no other but as time passed on we got comfortable. I neglected it. Never told it how much i enjoyed it. We got complacent in out relationship and then one day I heard this lullaby wafting from the nearby alley.

Pascal Assy, or in English according to google translate Assy Pascal, wrote a sonnet to steal my beloved. Damn him and his guitar. Why is it they always go for the boys in the band. Who can compete. His website states...

"Pascal Assy makes you humor in July and August"

Look at him, half Billy Bob Thornton, half Jonathan Richman. Dairy products follow second to women in tales of pursuit. Enjoy another craftsman at his work as I tearfully browse old photos of le rustique and remember the good times.

Day fifteen....

2009-12-15T11:41:00.000-08:00

Not even Wendsleydale?

"One by one I made out most of our grey villages with their thin pall of smoke. And as I watched the evening train creeping up the valley with its pauses at our three stations, a quaint thought came into my head and it was that there was hardly a man, woman or child in all those villages of whom I did not know the Christian name and with whom I was not on terms of intimate friendship. My wife and I say that we know most of the dogs and, indeed some of the cats"

These are to words of one Will Pickles, as he describes Wendselydale. A quaint place. Humble Yorkshire town and home of a great regional cheese. Wendselydale started its life back in 1156, when Cisterian monks settled and with it brought the knowledge of Penicillium Roquforti. This is the mold that makes cheese bleu(not a mistake). But what's that I hear you cry? I know! Any person who has seen this classic will know that Wendsleyday is not blue but it is a crumbly, pure white cheese.
Wallace and Gromit saved a cheese that was on the brink of extinction. The new Cisterian monk, Wallace has a holy air of calm about his person and Gromit his disciples. Nick Park stop with all this subversion and come out with it!
Recently at Arcadia a delivery of 7 box loads of cheese arrived, and I felt privileged almost selfish, when thinking of pool old Henry Wendsleydale.....

Day fourteen....

2009-12-14T11:14:00.000-08:00

The Worlds Largest Cheese

When our cheese order arrived at Arcadia last week, in one of the boxes was our usual standard wedge of Comte, and it is described as one 18th of a wheel. This got me thinking what size is the whole wheel and from that wondered what was the largest cheese? Of course it is very impractical to have a giant cheese, as when cheese is maturing it needs to be turned regularly for the moisture to escape evenly, so who would be stupid enough to create a cheese that would need a specially built mold and a lot of heavy machinery to turn the cheese. The answer is these people....
The Spainish, yes I do mean Spainish.

You wouldn't think they would have found the time with all the tomato throwing, and European Cup winning, but guess again. In a small town in Galicia, called Arzua they made quite the portly cheese. Using 8,000 litres of milk they made a cheese weighing in at one tonne.

It was to be divided up into 5,000 portions to be shared amongst the people, however there were reports of a shady character lurking menacing. Police have but out this photo....

Day thirteen....

2009-12-13T16:38:00.000-08:00

Holy Cheese ii

Holy cheese indeed, but how, why, why is there holes in cheese? Well it is "gassy bacteria". Propionibacter shermani to be precise. Once this is added to the cheese and warmed it creates bubbles of carbon dioxide and viola holy cheese or as the Swiss so funny call it Emmentaler. But where is the fun of that? So the great story tellers of yester year dreamed up that a cute little mouse creating the holes would be far more appetising. Starting two myths in one. In fact mice are indifferent towards cheese, even a 18 month matured in a cave, pong blue de ougne. They would much prefer a nice square of Cadburys. Years of media followed this with rhymes such as the Farmer in the dell referencing the mouse takes the cheese, the mouse takes the cheese and Tom trying to entice Jerry with slices of cheese, did he not realise after years of failing cheese wasn't the right trap for intended purposes. But it wasn't until 1993 that the men in the studios realised how to sell us on the truth.....

Biker Mice from Mars, and who were there arch enemies??? Laurence Limburger, Lord Camembert and Napoleon Brie. There has always been an undertone of cartoon creators pushing their subliminal messages upon the child masses but this was a bit obvious.

Day twelve.....

2009-12-12T16:16:00.000-08:00

Cheese Dreams

This is the sort of nightmarish vision that would appear to me if I were to have a slice of mimolette on my toast before slumber. Or so maybe I would think I would have, should I say now there is minor proof that there is little or no connection between eating cheese and having nightmares. If anything eating cheese can enhance your dreams. With different cheeses giving different types of dream. Red Leicester gives rose-tinted nostalgic dreams, with Stilton comes the bizarre, and plain old Cheshire gives plain old dreamless nights.
It is said it is around this time of year that the connection between nightmares and cheese began back when Charlie Dickens penned;

"Because,'' said Scrooge, "a little thing affects them. A slight disorder of the stomach makes them cheats. You may be an undigested bit of beef, a blot of mustard, a crumb of cheese, a fragment of an underdone potato. There's more of gravy than of grave about you, whatever you are!''

This is Scrooge riposte, of why he was seeing these visions of Christmas past, present and future, so maybe if you are a mean old hag this isn't the best time of year to start experimenting with your cheese dreams. Humbug.

Day eleven

2009-12-11T14:39:00.000-08:00

Ye Olde Amsterdam

"Dans le port d’Amsterdam, Y a des marins qui chantent, Les rêves qui les hantent, Au large d’Amsterdam"
As Jacque Brel sang this opening line which is transcripted for David Bowie as;

"In the port of Amsterdam there's a sailor who sings, of the dreams that he brings from the wide open sea."

But why must that sailor dream of beauts from afar when one of the worlds nicest cheeses can be found right on the portstep. Old Amsterdam is blissful, in a world where every cheese blogger and critique, strive to find new strange, quirky, runny, smelly cheese. I'm talking bout you stinking bishop, maybe one day you'll be up here. But for now we shall just bask in the aforementioned cheese's classic glory. Old Amsterdam is a Gouda that has been aged for 18 months or longer. And the 18 months is well worth the wait. With a richly nutty taste and cool black rind what is there not to like. Even the adverts just ooze class.

Day ten...

2009-12-10T09:07:00.000-08:00

The Most Dangerous Cheese

Cheese not only is true scrumptious but all, in some cases, dangerous. But isn't that all the fun, for all you thrill seekers looking your next hit I suggest trying to get your hands on some double Gloucester, literally.
"There is no such thing as bravery, only degrees of fear"

Beautiful video, idiotic people, good times. This event is held on Coopers Hill near Gloucester, every spring bank holiday. It has been going for about 200 years now and no one knows of why or where it came from. However if this is hardcore for your tastes, retire, or you can choose the less dangerous option.

Day nine....

2009-12-09T06:58:00.000-08:00

The Worlds Smelliest Cheese

People often complain about the smell of cheese. Comparing it to feet amongst other things, but if your feet were to smell like this next cheese, I recommend seeing a doctor or cutting them off. Vieux Boulogne has been the worlds official smelliest cheese for about the past 5 years. Seeing of other competitors such as Epossies which itself is so smelly it is banned from being taken on public transport in France. This is a soft rind washed cheese, and it is thought it is the reaction of the beer it is washed with, that sets it apart. Lets just hope this never happens to you whilst at a diner party serving the aforementioned cheese....

But a rose by any other name... I don't think Shakespeare ever came across the Vieux Boulonge, but maybe Mrs Dory Previn had as in her song Play it Sam she most beautifully sings....
"A rose by any other name still has thorns du du du."
Go on have a listen....
http://stopwar.org.uk/content/view/1611/186/

Day eight....

2009-12-08T11:06:00.000-08:00

Kraft macaroni and Cheese
Here is another beautiful example of the versatility of cheese. Macaroni had long been a European favourite throughout the 1800s, stolen from the Chinese, by that "krafty" Marco Polo.

Looks very shifty, but that's probably the 25 years of travelling can do that to you.
But back to Kraft. It began life as a proper cheese company with the founder James L. Kraft wanting to bring affordable cheese products to America. And achieved this with a product beautifully named "America Cheese".

But it was the war which was the upturn for Kraft. He sold £6million worth of cheese to the army, and on their return everyone had now got a taste for it. The salesmen start trying the powdered cheese to boxes of macaroni. Kraft caught on and Kraft Macaroni and cheese was born.

How could a nation refuse this? I hope with the popularity of American products these days, Kraft relaunch it in the UK, i think an add featuring this tune by these young upstarts would be appropriate....

Thank you and good night.

Day seven.....

2009-12-07T11:18:00.000-08:00

Say.... "SHEESE"

"Hey Man, I'm drinking dine, eating sheese and catching some gays."

Doesn't quite have the same ring to it, but if Oddball from Kelly Heroes had being a vegan this is how it would have played out, but we know there aren't vegan alternatives to wine called dine... yet! And I don't think the vegans have a problem with rays. However there is now a vegan cheese on the market call sheese.

Yum yum best served with pringles by the looks of things!

I wander how long it took them to come up with the name. Maybe not quite as long as Englebert Humperdink....

Day six....

2009-12-06T11:24:00.000-08:00

Cheesus Christ

On such a spiritual day one can only think of one thing. Wonder if there are and holy cheeses? what about emmental or other such cheeses I hear you ask?? IDIOT!! I reply. Had this not being a text based question you reply would have been valid. I yearn for a cheese that not only nourishes my belly but also my soul. After years of trying to burn my melted cheese toasty in a way only crazy Americans can I have finally found my answer. So instead of this....

I will be having some of this smashing nun cheese.....

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Monastery_of_Our_Lady_of_the_Angels

And since you cant have wine without cheese I recommend a nice Buckfast number 17 to wash down the cheese. You will be tasting piney notes as your face falls flat into table.

Day five.....

2009-12-05T10:37:00.000-08:00

"The Neglect of Cheese in Literature"

This is a work by G K Chesterson, pictured. A fine man. But wrong.... After hours of research.... pissing about on the interweb i came across this...

This is Timer. He was the advocate for healthy living in 70s America, surprising because I think he is quite the portly fella. But a troubadour non the less. He travelled through America seeking ways to help others live their lives but no sweeter verse has been said so truly about the beauty of cheese. I bid you adieu

Day four.....

2009-12-04T16:27:00.000-08:00

The War of Vacherin Mont d'Or

Many cheeses have the audacity to call themselves king of the cheeses, such cocky wee upstarts include stilton, a duke at best and brie de meaux, a whiff of a queen, but only the Vacherin can call itself the emperor of cheese.

Banned in the US, riling the ever neutral Swiss and only available for a few months a year. Made on the Jura mountains separating le French from their Swiss buddies, both countries happily made Vacherin Mont d'Or until 1973. Then the clinical Swiss when behind un French backs and arranged an AOC having legal rights to call it Vacherin Mont d'Or. The French continued to make the cheese changing the name to Vacherin du Haut-Doubs, using unpasturiesd milk, Hence the Banned in the USA.

But then the clinicalness of the Swiss faultered, they began to used pasturised milk to exploit US markets, however an unfortune outbreak of listeria resulted in the Swiss Mont d'Or also being banned, aswell as affecting the sales of the French Vacherin.

All the conflict and look at these simple people, this is part of the festival to celebrate the new Mont d'Or season. Lovely stuff. But what is better? Vacherin Mont d'Or or Vacherin Haut-Doubs. Only one way to find out. F...................

Day three....

2009-12-03T06:14:00.000-08:00

"Chunks of cheddar make me feel better, slabs of brie will set me free."

Not my words but the words of one Nardwuar the Human Serviette, lead singer of the Evaporators. Luckily there was no slice of gouda to make him sing louder.

If only aul JP Sartre had at hand a nice slab of brie, maybe he wouldnt have been so miserable...

"Man is condemned to be free, because once thrown into the world, he is responsible for everything he does"

Day two....

2009-12-02T06:02:00.000-08:00

"The products Fromagerie Boivin offer so fresh they sing in every bite"

This is the opening line from a cheese company website who threw 2,o00 lb of cheese into the ocean to help it mature with the idea of the temperature and pressure being ideal. However this ideal of theirs came to afoot when it was time to retrieve the cheese. Not realising how deep and dark the fjords were and the deep currents running through them, 15 days diving they gave up hoop of rescuing the cheese. Beautiful!!! Guess what they are going to try again!!!!