Day nintyfour....

From Cheddar With Love

It has been a long and arduous week. The past 90 days had caught up with me. My brian numbed (yes I meant brian, tis a joke referencing my tiredom), and I was cheesed out. I stared at the black screen ahead of me. Nothing could live up to the reasonably low standards I had been churning out, that's how low it went. With the finish line in sight I seemed to give up. A bit like the story of the tortoise and the man.

http://www.stewartlee.co.uk/youtube/fistoffun1-1.htm
(Watch it all as it is one of the best TV shows ever made, but for this reference skip to 18:58)

But then in my mailbox today I did receive, a message, a sign, a gift. Go forth and complete the 100days, stop being so lazy, I know "15 storeys high" by Sean Lock is a great show but really 2 series in a few days, think of the cheese. This was the gift....

A program from the comedian Richard Herring's latest show "Hilter Moustache", in which he is trying to reclaim the swastika(refer to day33 for onemanandhischeese's efforts) and also the comedians toothbrush moustache. It was signed "Michael, you cheesy c***. I like Cheddar." And I realised I have only flited with the worlds most popular cheese. Mr Herring himself is from Cheddar, Somerset. And for you who have never visited here is a brief synopsis of the way of the world in Cheddar.

http://www.stewartlee.co.uk/youtube/fistoffun1-2.htm
(01:48)

Cheddar cheeses first record of being used in UK was in one of King Henry ii banquets were he purchased 10, 000 lbs. But the favourite cheese of the English isn't exactly, well English. The recipe is from a French cheese Cantal. But after a few minor adjustments it is now the worlds most popular cheese. This is mainly through the fact that Cheddar doesn't have a PDO, a protected designation of origin, so any thing hard and yellow is usually called Cheddar. Whereas traditionalyl it was only cheese made within 30 miles of Well Cathedral that could claim this. I can imagine the people of Somerset singing this next tune, shouting out about the world stealing the traditional methods of making Cheddar and exploiting their heritage.

Day ninty....

Fromage De Santa

"Go often to the house of thy friend; for weeds soon choke up the unused path."

This is an ancient Scandinavian proverb. Its roots lie with the original makers of Lapland Cheese.

The packaging is very modern for such a traditional cheese. Lapland Cheese is one of the oldest cheeses in Finland. It is mainly produced in the summer due to the high milk production. The fresh farm milk was warmed up in the big kettle, few drops of rennet added and after the coagulation the cheese mass was stirred and loosely pressed. The pressed cheese was baked next to an open fire until the surface of this ‘’bread’’ was brown spotted. The baking board was very special, a wooden disc with base. Traditional surface treatment of the Lapland Cheese by open fire improved the quality and killed the bacteria which cause taste defects.

This above picture is not the first thought of mine when I hear Lapland. Many a night wandering through the back streets in soho I often walked past a neon sign reading Lapland. It must have been the UK distribution centre for the cheese. Staff all seemed very friendly trying to entice me in. They must have been followers and knew Thomswoons face.

Day eightynine....

In The Dark

Fed up of running out of your favourite fromage delight in the small hours of the morning and you need that sweet nutty hit to get rid of the sweats so you can get hours of peace and nightmares? Just me then? But why not make your own homemade cheese cave.

Not exactly like this. Back in days of yore caves were perfect for maturing cheese in due to the consistent humidity. But now you can replicate this. All you need is an old refrigerator, a temperature regulator and bowl of water.

http://www.cheesemaking.com/includes/modules/jWallace/OnLineNews/NewsFiles/Cave/Cave1.html

But that is the history. What does the future hold in store for caves. Here is a piece of work by Mexican artist Alan Ruiz titled "Cave".

I think the shapes on the floor represent cheese. Hmmmm. Ponder this with another famous Cave lilting in the background.

Day eightyeight.....

Two Fat Ladies

Well as its day 88, I conjured up the image of 2 fat ladies, 88. Today obesity is rife. Kids are dying, doors being widened, cranes to take people to hospital. It is getting out of hand. Many people are blaming high fat foods, snacks etc. And of course with cheese being a high fat food they are scaremongering people into not eating it. But it is not the blame of the foods or the food industry, subliminal advertising, showing food everywhere as delicious as ever. But look at the fat. A good size helping of cheese, say 40g, which is ample for a huge sandwich contains 14g of fat and consider that the GDA for women is 70g and men 95g how can this lead to obesity. Don't blame the food.

Leave it alone. Blame it on the subject of this next song...

Day eightyseven...

I'm Tired And I Want To Go To Bed

There is a new breed. The wine ponce. We are the age of the binge drinkers. Not only the students and adolescents, but our older peers too. Alcohol is cheaper and easier to acquire and in the case of the sweet alcopop drink too. But its not all consumption, one of the newest and fasted growing hobbies is wine tasting. People are now signing up to sample wines and pick up the complex flavours and notes they taste. And there are experts who will tell you what food goes best with the wine etc etc etc. Call me a sceptic but phaa! And now these experts are telling us what wine matches cheese. We are fools to take their advice. Many cheese boards will contain up to 6 different cheeses. So that would mean 6 different wines. Maybe they are on to something... But I will not be bought. Enjoy cheese with whatever tipple you enjoy. Neither go hand in hand. Listen to the cheese. PONCE.


These two fun loving critters are cheese and milk. They are dairy products done bad. They are heavy drinkers and love a bit of violence. They are here to rid us from these ORGANISED HIPSTERS.

"Disfigurment may be trendy, but assault is eternal"

Day eightysix.....

Oh That's The Stilton!

A Dictionary of Modern Slang, by John Camden Hotten. Not to be mixed up with Grose's "The Dictionary of the Vulgar Tongue", which I have mentioned a few times on previous days. Hotten used Vulgar tongue as a reference point and it is quite the treat. Hotten was quite the bibliophile. He wrote and published many books. He wasn't the most pleasant of men and was quite often surrounded in scandal. He also owned a bookshop. Reminiscent of anyone?

But between his blackmailing and fornicating, Hotton was quite the compiler of slang. And it was in publication that many of the great cheese saying come from. "That's the cheese", "That's the Stilton", but one significant one was "cheese" referring to something being good. In today's modern world something being "cheesy" is a slight on it. But in 1863 it was seen as...

"Anything good, first rate in quality, genuine, pleasant or advantageous"

But it was the Americans who first coined the phrase the "Big cheese". It came in a piece in a New York major in 1922.

"Foley, say there, Foley, with your hair of reddish hue
And your Irish smile, begorra!
Blarneyed them into meeting you.
The big mayor of Olean fair,
You're the big cheese on the scene.
Foley, tell us, Foley, is your city song

The Wearin of the Green?"

And soon it would become something everyone despised. Here's to you, you BIG CHEESE.

Day eightyfive.....

Guardians Of The Cheese

In a land a long time ago the accent rulers gaurded the secret to eternal youth, beauty and spritiual fulfillment. The world was a diffent place to what we know now.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/tuchodi/3182434953/

But can you freeze cheese? There are many thoughts on this topic. Many cheese freeze better than others. The harder the cheese the better. For example if you find a fresh piece of Reggiano buy several large portions cut from the main block. Then you can freeze it, and grate or shred it straight from frozen onto your soup, pasta toast and it will melt on contact. Beautiful.

As time passed and the land thawed out the legend of the precious cheese began to spread around the land. Prospectors came from far and wide to proclaim the cheese as their own. But the new fortress was to strong and the elders wiser than ever.

But it wont be too long before the cheese is acquired by an evil force. Time to call in the police.