Sunday, 31 January 2010

Day sixtytwo....

You Gotta Fight For Your Right To Camembert

"You gotta fight for your right to party"

I sure a lot of you will be familiar with Mike D, MCA and Ad-Rock. The trio that make Beastie Boys. And of course this is one of their most famous tunes. Since 1986 we have being fighting for our right to party. But there is a battle that has been raging in the north of France for many more years. I present you Camembert.

This is a effortless classy cheese. Even before Camembert de Normandie had been given the AOC (a list of regulations that must be adhered to for the cheese to be legally called Camembert de Normandie) it was one of the worlds most copied cheeses. The battle rages in Normandy about the traditional production methods of Camembert. France, whose name is synonymous with cheese are claiming that there are dangers with cheese made from raw milk. But as long as it is regulated correctly there is no problem. The traditionalists argue that it is about money and the large creameries can sell a pasteurised Camembert for the same price with lower margins just because the name. Personally I would stick to the raw milk, so much more romance, what a beautiful way to go. Two lovers and a slab of Camembert. And as I am sure I have quoted before and I will do again.

"To die by your side. Oh the passion the privilege is mine"

(Incase you didnt notice, watch from the beginning and look for the name of the song. Whats in a name?)

Saturday, 30 January 2010

Day sixtyone....

Beautiful, Beautiful, BEAUTIFUL

After a long 50hr week the tolls of the professional cheesemonger/layabout can start to show. Many a time people have been known to pass remarks on how worn down I look. Strange. It had been starting to get me down a bit so I thought time for a change. Gone are the days of not respecting this fine o mine. So off to the V05 factory I went. And soon returned thinking.

"Flip me what suckas gonna pay £29.95 fo dis."

So in the age of alternative medicines I began to look around. And then I found this...

This is just a visual representation of what I found. Here is the article.

So basically mix cheese, specifically Wensleydale, with some milk and apply to your face. Add cucumbers to the eyes for added effect. Then boil some pasta and tip your face and not only do you look younger and more refreshed. Dinner is served. Bon appetite.

Friday, 29 January 2010

Day sixty.....

Bang Bang!

In a small farm in Dymock, Gloucestershire a cheese is made. This cheese is called Stinking Bishop. Stinking by name and nature alike. It gets the rancid odor from being washed in perry during the riping process. What is this perry?

Well not exactly. But it is made from fermented Stinking Bishop pears, in a similar way to scrumpy is from apples. No wonder it smells so vile. It is likened to the French Epposises cheese that is banned on french public transport. But the name "Stinking" actually has nothing to do with the smell of the cheese nor the fermented pear. It comes from one of the breeders of the Moorecroft pear Mr. Bishop. He was an angry man with a fiery temperament. Much like another famous cider maker....

Bean. Of the famous trio, Boggis, Bunce and Bean. He was a wily cider maker from the Roald Dahl novel The Fantastic Mr Fox. Maybe its the fermented fruit that drives these men to angry ways. One of the most famous stories about the ugly temperament of Mr Bishop was that he was frustrated at his kettles lack of pace of heating the water and in retaliation he shot it. Imagine the scene....

Thursday, 28 January 2010

Day fiftynine....

The House That Cheese Built

Or more to the point the house covered in cheese. Cosimo Cavallaro.

Look at him. A Che type freedom fighter. He will not be oppressed in this modern day society. So lets all join him as he breaks free from the shackles of this modern life. And how does he mess with the system? Well just like anyone else he throws food around houses.

This is a room covered in ketchup or is it cat sup?

But this is only his entree. For the main he has served us up this...

"La Casa di Formaggio"

This was just an ordinary house in suburban America. Using 10,000 of spray on cheddar it is covered inside and out. Genius. If your bread falls on the floor now, you don't shout the obscenities of the day, you just pick it up and umm, cheese on toast. A unique mind. Reminds me of another famous Cosimo.... Cosimo Kramer!

Wednesday, 27 January 2010

Day fiftyeight....

Drop It Like Its Hot

One of the most contentious points that is causing raging debates amongst modern day cheese connoisseurs is the wrapping of cheese. There are no hard and fast rules for wrapping your cheese. But what is best for your cheese? Well there are two main options:

In the red corner weighing very little, born in a lab, its the undefeated world champion.... Cling film. Cling film or plastic wrap as it is also known was originally made from PVC and invented accidentally by a scientist trying to create a hard plastic covering for his car. Cling film is great for sustaining the life of your cheese, however some say it transfers a taste of plastic and can create a layer of sweat on the cheese.

And in the blue corner, weighing in at very little, hailing from the US of A, contender..... Wax paper. Wax paper was invented by a little known Thomas Edison. It is paper that is made moisture proof by the application of wax. Quite self explanatory. It is fast becoming as popular as cling in delicatessens as it is believed to let the cheese breathe. However it the cheese will not keep as fresh as it is not air tight.

So both have their pros and cons. And I know what your thinking, Stop sitting on the fence and tell us Mr.onemanandhischeese what is your preference. Well my friends there is only one way I like to wrap cheese....

Tuesday, 26 January 2010

Day fiftyseven....

Leave It Alone

I recently opened my fridge door to find...

"Eggs and garlic, the cheese and tomatoes, the milk and the beer"

Just like the song. These things are staples in my fridge. By staples I mean the only things. But I am not alone. According to the Information Resources Inc. cheese is the 6th most bought product in supermarkets. I am suspicous of the salty snacks.

This chart tells us a lot about modern day society. Mainly we get drunk, then have breakfast. So I am not alone and now I have a chart and a large market research company behind me. Throw off the veil of your wholesome, healthy lives and have a beer/ale/hard cider, light up a feg, natural cheese on fresh bread and rolls for dinner, wash your teeth with a carbonated beverage and sleep safe knowing you are not alone.

Monday, 25 January 2010

Day fiftysix.....

The Midnight Chip

Its just struck midnight. The clubs are spilling out onto the street. The girl who you have been lusting after all night slyly glances over her shoulder as she slips on that red jacket and heads for the door. As you advance towards the exit thinking of drivel will leave your mouth as you try to muster some courage to speak to her, the brute in his bovver boots steps in your way. What do you do. Sing it Wild Beasts...

"But… I only winded that lad before he bolted.
And… I only fumbled that lass, besides, I was revolted.
So for forgiveness,
with me boyz as witness,
Take these chips with cheese,
as an offering of peace."

How could we get through the maze of a hazy Saturday night without them. We need to stay out that extra hour just case we whiff a party, or the girl of your dreams is in distress. What better excuse. The chip with cheese. Everyones favourite. Cheap as... chips.

Even add some gravy if your are feeling in a victorious mood. But are you feed up of being limited to only having this delicacy when the sun in coming up on the 7th day? Well then my fiends its is time to set sail for Quebec. This is one of their staple meals. It goes by the name poutine. So jump on the next coffin ship and become a wild beast.

Sunday, 24 January 2010

Day fiftyfive....

Smells Like Teen Spirit

A French man complaining of the stench of a cheese? It must have came from Liverpool.

NO CHEESE. Cheese, like oil, makes too much of itself. It wants the whole boat to itself. It goes through the hamper, and gives a cheesy flavour to everything else there. You can’t tell whether you are eating apple-pie or German sausage, or strawberries and cream. It all seems cheese. There is too much odour about cheese.

I remember a friend of mine, buying a couple of cheeses at Liverpool. Splendid cheeses they were, ripe and mellow, and with a two hundred horse-power scent about them that might have been warranted to carry three miles, and knock a man over at two hundred yards. I was in Liverpool at the time, and my friend said that if I didn’t mind he would get me to take them back with me to London, as he should not be coming up for a day or two himself, and he did not think the cheeses ought to be kept much longer.

“Oh, with pleasure, dear boy,” I replied, “with pleasure.”

I called for the cheeses, and took them away in a cab. It was a ramshackle affair, dragged along by a knock-kneed, broken-winded somnambulist, which his owner, in a moment of enthusiasm, during conversation, referred to as a horse. I put the cheeses on the top, and we started off at a shamble that would have done credit to the swiftest steam-roller ever built, and all went merry as a funeral bell, until we turned the corner. There, the wind carried a whiff from the cheeses full on to our steed. It woke him up, and, with a snort of terror, he dashed off at three miles an hour. The wind still blew in his direction, and before we reached the end of the street he was laying himself out at the rate of nearly four miles an hour, leaving the cripples and stout old ladies simply nowhere.

The excerpt above comes from the beautiful Jerome K. Jermone book There Men in a Boat. As I lay in bed this morning watching the sky pass over head through my sky light, I was rudely awakened by a certain fiend of mine. She is quite the shy lady so I shall not reveal her identity. For the remainder of this entry I shall refer to here a G Cartin, no, no Gemma C. We she sent a text across the wave lengths "Chapter 4, cheese blog innit". These words inspired me and as I lay watching the clouds pass along thy window it felt as if i was on the boat with George, Montmorency, and William Samuel Harris. Ahhh sunday mornings....

Saturday, 23 January 2010

Day fiftyfour....

To Die By Your Side

Oh the passion, the privilege is mine. Many people have died pursuing their joys of life. Steve Irwin, Timmoy Treadwell both passed to the other side amongst animals they loved. They loved them enough to die protecting or investigating them. Is anything worth dying young for?

So can love conquer all? Was the mouse curious, or courageous? One thing was he didn't have a fear of life. Maybe its cheese that will conquer all. I am not of the same mentality as the mouse, I subscribe to this:

"I want to die in my sleep like my dad... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car"

Friday, 22 January 2010

Day fiftythree....

Love Is In The Air

"Love is in the air, everywhere I look around."

Its love week this week on And I love cheese. I loooooove cheese. No I don't think you understand I looove cheese. Not just to eat I am in love with cheese. I love it deeply and completely. Sing it Rod.

Godminster cheese hearts. Godminster is a dairy from Somerset that produces a vintage, organic cheddar and other delights. But I think those clever teet squeezers over there are on to something. Maybe just the purple hearts above weren't enough to woo the lady of their dreams. So the boffins in the lab have came up with this.

Wodka!! Game, shot and the match. Look at what happens with just purple hearts.....

Thursday, 21 January 2010

Day fiftytwo...

The Most Dangerous Cheese (Part ii)

"The early bird gets the worm, the second mouse gets the cheese"

An adaption of a famous saying by young whipper snapper Eddie Monteiro. Eddie was an accordion player, a prompt accordion player at that. But I wonder if he ever thought, what type of cheese was in the trap. Because if it was to be this cheese I am about to introduce to you then I don't think even the second mouse, who according to Eddie, isn't bothered about the dead disfigured body of his fellow mouse trapped under that steel wire, would go for it.

I give you Casu Marzu...

Yes maggot cheese. Casu Marzu translates as "rotten cheese". And you can see why. It is originally a beautiful Pecorino, but for some reason those crazy Sardinians, leave it outside to let it ferment. As the maggots eat the cheese their digestive systems break down the cheeses fat and turns it into this soft mush filled with maggots.

The cheese is seen as toxic when the maggots die, this is why you eat it maggot and all. But watch out, white maggots can jump. Up to 6in, so it is advised to cover your face when eating.

So you have avoided the poison, escaped being blinded so why eat this cheese? Well what do you know it is seen as an aphrodisiac by the local Sardinians. And possibly by no one else.

Tonight I would like to sing you out with a song that reminds me of cheese, Christmas and now worms. Sing along if you know the words....

Wednesday, 20 January 2010

Day fiftyone.....

Take Time To Smell The Roses

"Moe, Larry, the cheese. Moe, Larry, the cheese. Mmmm Limburger."

Curly's temporary insanity is cured a Dutch cheese that goes by the name of Limburger. Not one of the more traditional methods of treatment for this lunacy. Limburger is one of the most potent of cheeses. It is fermented by the bacteria brevibacterium linens. This same bacteria can be found on all you disgusting people. Yes it is responsible for the phenomenon BO.

A study in 2006 found that it was this odor that attracts mosquitoes to us rancid humans. So the scientists jumped on the boat and set sail for the continent of Africa, with crates of Limburger. And it is now placed in several strategic positions around Africa to help combat the spread of Malaria, by attracting the mosquitoes. Madness eh?

Tuesday, 19 January 2010

Day fifty....

"Whoa, We Are Half Way There"

As some irrelevant person may have sung at sung time, whilst sporting a unnecessarily flamboyant haircut, I am now half way to one hundred days of cheese. Its been a joy. From the ridiculous to the sublime.

Cheese is such a diverse critter. But it is so diverse that it can be spread across many food groups? Here is the basic food triangle that haunts us from youth. We tried to flip it upside down. But the Egyptians didn't make it like this for fun.

Yeah its got the dairy section well wrapped up. But can it conquer the great leap and slide across into the meat section? There are many expects who believe it can, and one idiot.

"Tommy had many dreams. He dreamt of a zoo that could fit inside a key."

So as i leave tonight it is I that has become the dreamer. 50days gone 50days to go.

"We all dream, but do we really dream?"

Monday, 18 January 2010

Day fourtynine.....

Sex, Drugs and Cashel Blue (Part ii)

"Roquefort should be eaten on one's knees"

A great quote from the "father of the table" Grimod de la Reyniere. As a child he was born with deformed hands and consequently his famous father hid his boy away from public visits to their estate. This helped develop his wit and strange sense of humour in 18th century. One of the first food critiques he was a fan of mixing his love for classical music and woman, comparing each to food.

But blue cheese has been seen as a type of glutenous aphrodisiac for many a year. Even the second greatest lover of all time Casanova would often nag on about how Roquefort washed down with a healthy glug of Chambertin was the best way to arise passions. However maybe the cheat used a bit more of the Chambertin. But nonetheless it seems a good bit of blue leads to a good bit of blue. So patrons of i urge you.... GO BLUE!!!

Sunday, 17 January 2010

Day fourtyeight....

Is There Anybody There?

The dulcet tones of Mark E. Smith. Pyskick Dancehall. ESP medium discord, monsters on the roof, but no cheese. But one of his not so famous quotes is...

"Blue cheese contains natural amphetamines, why are students not informed about this?"

So does eating a lot of this...

Equal this...

There is a similar natural chemical in blue cheese that is present in amphetamines, however it is also in a lot of other prescription drugs and the amount is negligible. Speed is to blue cheese, what cyanide is to apple pips. Drugs are for mugs. Stay in school kids.

Saturday, 16 January 2010

Day fourtyseven.....

Cheesy Moon

"They're about to poke their genitals into our cream cheese moon right moon right now. That's my eye, the moon is part of me. Why don't they poke it in the sun? They're not very daring."

Mr C Beefheart. A poet, visionary, a drunk. Perfect combination.

But where did the notion of the moon being made out of cheese originate from. And what cheese would it be? This evidence leads me to think a nice cream cheese.

But enough of all this frivolousness. The real reason is due to English writer John Heywood. In a collection of his proverbs he penned.

"The moon is made from greene cheese"

Greene being unaged, such as a cream cheese. It was unknown if he was being serious or just indulging in ridiculousness but it stuck. For all you people dubious of the Apollo moon landings and believe of the possibility of a cheesy moon here is a site for you to help you make your mind up.

Friday, 15 January 2010

Day fourtysix.....


In this cold, winter months sometimes life can just get tough. It becomes hard even to imagine what luxuries we could be enjoying as we trudge through everyday life battling rain, ice, wind and snow. But what if we could escape to some paradise.

This painting by Jan Bruelghal the Younger is not too far away. Our imagination is a great thing, but what is even greater is Seinfeld. So when feeling down and out try and subscribe to the mind of George Costanza. The man who brought us ideologies as doing the opposite of any impulse you have has got the key to mid winter depression. Watch from 5m40s.

"I was free and clear. I was living the dream. I was stripped to the waist eating a block of cheese the size of a car battery."

So go grab life by the udders and get some cheese. Any cheese, quantity over quality get the halogen heater on the lights out and live the dream.

Thursday, 14 January 2010

Day fourtyfive.....

Return of the Mac

"I travel not to go anywhere, but to go. I travel for travels sake. The great affair is to move"

Not my words, although I have been known to mutter such, but the words of Robert Louis Stevenson. Now fresh from my return from Berlin it is about time I shared with you one of foreign lands best kept secrets. Catherine of Braganza brought us tea, Columbus brought us cotton, but now my friends I too am an explorer. One night as I battled through the snow, on the horizon I saw a beacon. Golden in the distance it lured me in. Who know what I was to uncover....Kasegipfel. Roughly translated it means summit cheese. Deep fried breaded brie from McDonalds. Mcbrie. And to accompany it, preislbeer dip or strawberry coulis.

Who thought a product from such humble beginnings would lead the food revolution. Gourmet food at its finest.

Thursday, 7 January 2010

Day thirtyeight....

Breaking News
As I´m sure everyone back home will have probably read or heard in the news of the latest scandal to hit, so I thought it was vital that I communicate durring my leave of absince. It´s too important. So hear is the updated reports for all parties concerned...

"I´ll make him an offer he can´t refuse"

Auf wiedersehen.

Tuesday, 5 January 2010

Day thirtysix.....

A Farewell to Cheese

"I ate the end of my piece of cheese and took a swallow of wine. Through the other noise I heard a cough, then came the chuh-chuh-chuh-chuh- then there was a flash, as when a blast-furnace door is swung open, and a roar that started white and went red and on and on in a rushing wind."

This is how I feel as I may have come to an unexpected road bump on the way to one hundred days. Setting the alarm for 6am, keys, yep, phone, yep, hot red head, yep, euros, hmmm, passport ahhhh. Yes I am leaving this cosy keyboard and venturing out into the wild. Well Berlin. I am not saying goodbye. Just farewell for now. Don't be down hearted. Wipe away those salty tears. I shall leave you for now with a video inspired by Alex James' (of standing posing Blur fame) blue cheese. Blue Monday.

Monday, 4 January 2010

Day thirtyfive....

Soup de Jour

Mulligatawny, gumbo, bouillabaisse, lobster bisk, Cullen skink, chowder, gazpacho, Japanese miso. Just some of the worlds finest soups. Usually served as the opening note of a feast or as a lunch it's light, hearty almost comforting. But for me I was getting bored of the usual chicken, vegetable, carrot and coriander soup. So I pulled a tin of beer from the fridge and got my thinking cap on. And then it hit me, why not combine my two favourite things. Cheese et beer. Beautiful, beautiful, BEAUTIFUL!!!

Beer and Cheese Soup

So this.....
Plus this...

Equals this....

Sunday, 3 January 2010

Day thirtyfour....

Cheese eating surrender monkeys

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times…"

Why can America and France not seem to get along? Even this off the cuff whip from a cartoon became a catchphrase frequently used by republican politicians and publications. There are many reasons that Le French and the US of Whatever don't get on, mainly starting from the ZYX Affair in which the French demanded a $12million loan and lead to a navy war called the Quasi war in which many American ships where seized. Also as seen on day 30, Le French aren't big fans of a certain American fast food outlet, and with the French not showing full support for the Iraq War there are endless lists of why they cant just get on. Maybe its an ego thing with both nations believing that the are "universal nations" and look down their noses at nations who don't live with either the American capitalist ways or the existentialistic French.

But is being a cheese eating surrender monkey such a bad thing? All i know is i would prefer this...

Than this..

A victory to cheese. I bid you adieu

Saturday, 2 January 2010

Day thirtythree....

Reclaim the streets

In the summer of 2008 I met this man;

He went by the name Ratty, he was a king amongst hippies. During the long, hot day drinking cider in dirt he talked a lot of wisdom. Was he the the second coming? Or was there just too much scrumpy supped, but one thing that stuck with me the following day and too this day was his rambling about this movement....

Amongst all the craziness of WWII and surrounding political landscapes, the swastika became an iconic Nazi symbol, and now as a result is banned from use in many countries. However before this the swastika was an ancient symbol. Used by Hindus and Buddhists and even Coca-Colaists.

But what has this got to do with cheese? Well There is now a cheese company Reclaiming the swastika. The Mozzarella Co. has created a new cheese. Christmas Cheese. And its packaging?

Last time I saw the hippy Ratty he said he was off for a more simple life in Texas somewhere...?

Friday, 1 January 2010

Day thirtytwo.....

32nd of December

“The object of a new year is not that we should have a new year. It is that we should have a new soul"

These the words of G K Chesterton. I have previously mentioned him before, on day five, he is that man who spoke of "The Neglect of Cheese in Literature". And now he is telling us that with a new year comes a new soul. I couldn't relate to this until I stumbled upon this add.

Gouda?! Gouda?! Gouda gracious. Surely only an add for perfume could bring such passion, intensity soul. But now new year, new add, new soul. The only thing with more soul. This released December 2008.

Beautiful, beautiful, BEAUTIFUL......